I love how humans have literally not changed throughout history like the graffiti from Pompeii has people from hundreds of years ago writing stuff like “Marcus is gay” “I fucked a girl here” “Julius your mum wishes she was with me” and leonardo da vinci’s assistants drew dicks in their notebooks just for the banter and mozart created a piece called “kiss my ass” so when people wish for ‘today’s generation’ to be like ‘how people used to’ then we’re already there buddy we’ve always been
The Hagia Sophia has inscriptions that were considered sacred for centuries until they were deciphered in the 70s to be Nordic runes saying “Halfdan wrote this”
my old english prof told us that theres a cave in Scandinavia where a viking gratified some runes like 14 feet up on the wall and when they finally reached it all it translated into was “this is very high”
Ok so we all know that the answer to “Where did Captain America learn to
steal a car?” is “Nazi Germany” but I think the more pressing question
here is when the fuck did this complete maniac get a driver’s license
Because ok, Mighty Mouse 1.0 is too poor to own a car, too short to
reach the pedals, has vision problems, and is a goddamn New Yorker in the motherfucking 1930s, why on earth would he ever have learned to drive?
So this little bastard can’t even tell the gas from the brakes, he gets
all beefified, he goes on tour with the USO. Unless one of the showgirls
coached him through stalling out a car all over some Hollywood back
lot, he still can’t drive. He goes to Europe. At some point, some genius
looks at him and thinks “this strapping specimen of American hunkhood
obviously knows his way around a vehicle, let’s give him a motorcycle,”
and Steve “no parachute” Rogers is like “how hard could this be?” and
promptly wraps himself around approximately eight trees at the same time.
So then he’s kickin’ ass, fightin’ Hydra, and it’s just months of Bucky being like
“give me the goddamn keys, Steven,” and Dum Dum and Morita endlessly
encouraging his fucking insane Fury Road bullshit, like the Howling Commandos just use “grenade” as code for “Rogers” when they’re reporting
why yet another truck has been destroyed beyond recognition. Yes, sir, another grenade, I agree, sir, it’s very odd that we keep losing vehicles in the same way, that’s the third this month alone
So then he’s in the future and SHIELD is sorting his shit out, and
they’re not going to force Captain goddamn America to wait in line at
the DMV, they’re all in complete awe in him and they’ve seen the old
reels of him on his bike, so when they issue him his driver’s license without any type of road test
they go ahead and give him a motorcycle license too
and steve is like …neat.
Ok so then Bucky is back, shit is settled down, everyone’s heading
somewhere and Steve gets in the driver’s seat and Buck’s like WHOA WHOA
WHOA are you people out of your goddamn minds?! Why is Steve driving, is
this some kind of mission, are we heading into a combat zone, is the
plan for the vehicle to get blown up?? GIVE ME THE GODDAMN KEYS STEVEN
And Sam is all “what are you talking about, Steve’s a great driver, I saw him jump his bike over a car once”
And Buck is all “yes but have you seen him use a turn signal?”
And Steve’s like, “Listen, we never needed to ‘signal’ our ‘turns’ in Nazi Germany.”
And after that Bucky always drives.
Fin.
okay but
this is basically how just about everyone in the us army in ww2 learned to drive
most infantrymen didn’t receive any instruction in vehicle use, but during ww2 they shipped about half a million jeeps overseas. most of them got used by logistics units and a lot got shipped to russia, but there were still so dang many of them that they would hand them to just about anyone who could have an excuse to use one.
gotta run a message? here’s a jeep. running gear up the line? take a jeep. got a 24 hour pass? just bring this jeep back safe, will you? you’re a cartoonist? here’s your own jeep. they handed them out like candy to everyone.
it wasn’t unreasonable on the face of it because the us was a car culture basically from the minute the car was invented, so most rural kids knew how to drive already. but tons of them didn’t, and at some point they’d almost certainly end up behind the wheel of a jeep.
as a result, accidents were hilariously common.
they pretty much assumed everyone knew how to drive based on the exact same logic used in this post. it was only after the war that somebody sat down and was like, yo, maybe we should make sure these kids know what a car is before we let them drive them.
everyone thinks of the founding fathers as these almighty gods but one time john adams was off in france and he sent back his notes from his meetings but accidentally attached some pages from his diary so all of congress stopped what they were doing to read john adams’ diary and laugh at him
Didn’t Hamilton forget his bank account number once or something
ok i left you the answer on snapchat but here’s an actual reference rather than just my word. but uh yeah he lost his checkbook and so he also lost his account balance:
“Months after leaving office, he wrote to the Bank of the United States and admitted that he did not know his account balance because he had lost his bank book—this from the man who had created the bank.” (Alexander Hamilton, Chernow, 502)
I told one of my coworkers this when she was stressing about handling Adult Stuff and her response was “I feel so much better now.”
THERE NEEDS TO BE A MOVIE ABOUT THE NIGHT WITCHES DAMNIT.
BADASS LADIES BOMBING THE SHIT OUTA NAZI’S. WHAT’S NOT TO LOVE??
OKAY WE”RE GONNA DO HISTORY KIDs, GET READY FOR THE MOST FACE-MELTINGLY AWESOME WAR STORY YOU’VE EVER HEARD about Irina Sebrova and the 588th Night Bomber Regiment, or Night Witches as the Nazi’s called them because they hated them so much. The Night Witches were a group of Russian Aviatrixes during WW2,
THESE ARE THEM, AND
THIS IS THEIR BADASS LEADER IRINA SEBROVA.
now Russia had absolute shit equipment during WW2, and since the Night Witches were all women they were given the shittest of the shit equipment, and by shit, I mean World War One era biplanes that would hardly fly.
Yeah, ^THIS^ is what they had to fly, their job was to fly stealth missions. STEALTH. MISSIONS. In a super loud bi-plane that was originally meant to be fucking crop-duster. Now, in this plane, the navigator sat in front and the pilot sat in back (fairly common for bi-planes). Now, since these planes were so deafeningly loud and they were supposed to be flying stealthy night missions, the Night Witches solved that problem, BY TURNING OFF THE GODDAMN PLANE AND GLIDING ON AIR CURRENTS OVER THEIR BOMBING SITE. That is hardcore as fuck. Now, in addition to basically being flying death-traps, these planes had a slight problem, and by slight problem, I mean sometimes the bombs wouldn’t release. Now how do you solve that problem? How can you complete your mission if the bombs don’t drop? Well, if you’re a Night Witch you do what the navigators would do, AND CLIMB ONTO THE FUCKING WING AND DETACH THE BOMB BY HAND! You thought turning off the plane was badass? The plane was off while they were climbing onto the wing of a plane made of cloth and wood! Now to make things more badass, the Night Witches weren’t given supplies that were deemed ‘extraneous’ like, oh, a goddamn PARACHUTE. Seriously, no parachutes, and Irina Sebrova survived being shot down, TWICE, each time having to dodge German patrols while surviving the Russian winter. Now, for an American bomber in World War 2, if he survived 25 missions he was given an honorable discharge and it was considered he had done his duty to the Allies. Want to know how many missions Irina Sebrova flew? It’s more than 25. Irina Sebrova, Wing Commander of the 588th Night Bomber Regiment flew 92, that’s almost four tours of duty for an American, and those were just day missions!! Guess how many night missions Sebrova flew? ONE THOUSAND EIGHT. That’s right, she flew 1,008 night missions and 92 day missions, if she was American this would have meant she completed forty-four tours of duty. The Night Witches weren’t just badasses, they were heroes with such incredible amounts of courage that they carried out the most insane acts of braveryto protect their homeland and their people.
There need to be more movies about the Night Witches.
Because there are movies, just not American movies (and would you trust Americans to make a good film about the Soviet Union? I wouldn’t…)
The two I can think of off the top of my head are Wingsand Небесный тихоход (the title doesn’t translate), but I’m pretty sure there are others. I should look into that and report back.
