Game idea: You play as a humble peasant who must fight off waves of adventurers who feel entitled to just waltz into your house and loot whatever they please.
LET GO OF MY CHEESE WHEEL YOU JERKFACE
Humble Peasant kills adventurers that enter their home
Humble Peasant keeps their weapons, magic items, and hold
Humble Peasant realizes that stronger and stronger adventurers are coming to claim their growing pile of loot
Humble Peasant builds traps and fortifications to keep them out
Humble Peasant procures exotic pets to help defend their home
Humble Peasant continues to amass more and more loot and attract stronger and stronger adventurers
Humble Peasant has to keep building up and fortifying their home, traps, and pets to keep the adventurers out
Humble Peasant suddenly realizes that they have accidentally built a dungeon. It’s a fucking dungeon now. It’s fortified and full of traps, monsters, and treasure, and the Humble Peasant is the boss.
Humble Peasant realizes that adventurers will never leave them alone now.
Humble Peasant hates adventurers.
Humble Peasant accidentally becomes major villain.
I’d play it
10/10 would play
I would totally play this
i mean, this is actually how a lot of kingdoms and early city-states/poleis began. A bunch of humble farmers and/or pastoralists kept getting raided by their nomadic neighbors so eventually they started a bronze age arms race, the peasants fortifying their villages into forts and building permanent, specialized armies and getting all the horrible shit that goes with that like rulers, the nomads capturing cities and becoming settled themselves and becoming less egalitarian among themselves until they both evolved into the horrible leviathans we now know today as states.
Look,if I’m a humble peasant I’m not gonna keep all that stuff for myself. What am I,an arrogant peasant?! I’m gonna buy Magda down the road a donkey so she doesn’t have to pull the cart herself. I’m gonna buy some grain for Tomas up the valley because I know they had a bad harvest this year. I’m gonna hire a gang of my fellow peasants to shore up my irrigation ditches and overpay them shockingly – I don’t need more than a few gold pieces, they only attract adventurers anyway. And maybe I can get some of these damn broadswords and cuirasses off my hands while I’m at it. Maybe we can get together and teach each other how to use them. Before you know it this entire valley will be adventurer-proof.
Free Speech Zones, which were a real thing and not a plot element in a particularly ham-handed dystopian novel.
The phrase “hidey hole.”
Watching a budget surplus become a massive deficit that was bigger than it even looked because the White House was just like, “Okay, we’ll just not put the wars on the books and just ask for more money for those every few months.”
The sheer number of times Alberto Gonzalez said, “I don’t recall,” to Congress regarding war crimes and human rights violations.
“…now watch this drive.”
Mission Accomplished.
“The absence of evidence is not the evidence of absence,” “yellowcake uranium,” Condoleeza’s “mushroom clouds” fearmongering, and all the other bullshit we were fed to get into Iraq.
The President of the United States said so many stupid things that there were one-a-day calendars consisting of an individual quote for each day of the year. They didn’t all have the exact same quotes.
“There are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns – the ones we don’t know we don’t know.”
And then we went to war.
“Tonight I ask you to pass legislation to prohibit the most egregious abuses of medical research: human cloning in all its forms; creating or implanting embryos for experiments; creating human-animal hybrids; and buying, selling or patenting human embryos.” – George W. Bush, 2006 State of the Union
Okay, that’s the best one.
Bush watched that Batman Beyond splicing episode and had nightmares for a week
was it hidey-hole? i thought it was spider-hole.
Yeah, it was spider-hole
I think my favorite was how we un-ironically referred to a whole set of countries as the “Axis of Evil” as if that phrase gives us some kind of meaningful understanding of their geopolitical role and isn’t borrowed straight out of a mediocre made-for-TV superhero movie.
And then there was:
We literally got a terrorism forecast on the news every morning like it was pollen. So many of the things that happened, if they were in a dystopian novel, people would be like, “That’s way too goofy and ridiculous to actually happen in real life,” and yet they did.
Not only was the terror threat system real, but it was often raised and lowered based entirely on how panicked they wanted us to be. Famously they raised the level for no reason during the 2004 election.
Also, “Free Speech Zones” looked something like this:
It was literally a cage.
I genuinely forget that people, even within my own age group, has forgotten the Bush era since they were teenagers and below the voting age at the time, and so forgot how fucking horrifying it was.
This is Catherine The Great. She was a legendary Empress of Russia and ruled longer than any other leader, and she did a damn good job by all accounts. People loved her, she worked hard, she was smart, and she was also one of the proudest motherfucking freaks in HISTORY. She proved to the world that just because you look a little like Lady John Lithgow does not mean you are undesirable, and just because you’re royalty does not mean you can’t be a horny goddess of filth.
There’s this rumor that Catherine’s biggest conquest was a literal goddamn horse, but historians believe that it’s just a sick rumor that some hating ass bitches made up because they were intimidated that a woman could not only be in charge of a country but of her own sexual predilections. HMM, THANK GOD TIMES HAVE CHANGED???
Anyway, Catherine used her money to finance this fuck pad room in her castle that was an homage to doin’ the nasty. Catherine’s Pinterest board must have looked like a fucking PornHub screenshot because this is what that beautiful proud slut decorated her lair with:
A chair that is so classically beautiful and…oh my damn…what in the hell..
IS THAT CHAIR SUCKING A DAMN DICK?
THAT IS THE DEVIL AND HE IS EATING A PUSSY LIKE HELLFIRE’S GONNA SHOOT OUT OF IT
YOU NOT A BAD BITCH UNLESS YOUR OFFICE CHAIR HAS A PANTALOON-LESS VULVA AIRING ITSELF OUT ON IT.
THERE ARE GIANT WANGS GROWING OUT OF GIANT CHI-CHIS HOLDING UP A CORNUCOPIA OF FINELY-CRAFTED, CLASSICAL ASS, BAROQUE ASS, ROCOCO ASS GENITALS, WITH THEIR TORRENTIAL EJACULATIONS. HOW THE FUCK YOU GONNA GO TO IKEA AFTER THIS SHIT?
I wish there were more pictures of the original pieces, but in the 50′s some uptight German Army dipshits destroyed her collection because it gave them shameful boners or something. An artist has recreated her utilitarian odes to fuck, but it is truly sad that we cultured skanks can never appreciate such high art in its original glory. Damn, Cathy. Respect.
do you want to know something?? I always wondered what the hell kind of hairstyle the Ancient Egyptians were trying to portray with depictions like these
and this
until I did my hair this morning and
oh
welp
you can take the noses off our statues but until you find a way to take Egypt out of Africa we’re still going to find ourselves
I’m reblogging this post without all the salty, racist commentary because I’m sick of looking at it. please spread this around again in its pure form for posterity.
What’s funny is that white people thought they were hats/crowns 😂
