there’s all these aus about vader finding luke and smuggling him away to the empire in a clever moment of mental clarity, but please consider this crack au: after being faced with slavery, his mother’s death, tusken raiders, sand, obi-wan kenobi, seeing the larses, and tatooine in general, vader lays eyes on toddler luke skywalker – his son, which meant palpatine lied, holy fuck i’m a father, oh god padme i’m so sorry – and flips.
this is the straw that breaks the semi-rational sith lord’s back. in true anakin skywalker fashion, vader panics, scoops his son into his arms, charges into mos espa and turns it upside down, steals a shuttle from his own fleet, slams random hyperspace coordinates, and is thrown into space with no real idea where he’s going or when he’s going to get there. with a toddler.
to make things more interesting, obi-wan snuck aboard the ship, but dropped his lightsaber in the ruckus of sneaking into imperial ranks. and poor, poor firmus piett, a lowly officer who just so happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, runs smack into him.
and they’re all stuck on a ship, indefinitely. with a toddler.
sweet baby jesus i love this idea
just vader, picking up toddler luke under his arm like a football, and RUNNING LIKE FUCKING HELL
[darth vader voice] I HAVE YOU NOW
*toddler Luke SCREAMING the whole time*
obiwan just having a nervous breakdown “what what why are you doing this you’re evil but but what what is this someone shut that child up”
i love that people are contributing this is AMAZING
vader hefts the child into his arms – YOU CAN’T HAVE HIM – and literally turns away from everyone else like a kid with a new mcdonald’s toy. you can’t have him, YOU CAN’T EVEN LOOK AT HIM. luke quiets down because he’s up so high and he can see EVERYTHING and it’s fascinating. luke’s an easily impressed kid, after all. (and there are vents up here that he can nearly reach to crawl through!)
obi-wan: you can’t take luke from me, darth. vader, probably: LIKE YOU TOOK MY LIMBS???? HUH OBI-WAN????? HUH?????
What if at one point Obi-wan and Vader get all huffy and refuse to speak to each other and Piett has to act as the go between.
vader: tell that washed up old man that i know exactly what i’m doing
piett: …
piett: yes, lord vader
piett: excuse me, master jedi, but lord vader has everything under control
obi-wan: [huffs] That walking disaster hasn’t had anything under control since he was nine, and you can tell him i said that. In fact, i insist
piett: [looks into the camera like on the office]
oh god i have to write this now. you’ve convinced me, I AM SOLD. THERE IS ALMOST NOTHING BETTER THAN THIS IMAGE.
imagine it gets to the point where vader and obi-wan are screaming at each other with piett stuck in the middle, and luke, his attention torn away from the pretty lights on vader’s chest, clambers up and pats vader right over the respirator. “stop,” luke, a 2 year old, orders, patting sith lord darth vader gently on the face. “is mean,” announces luke.
vader re-settles luke in his arms. “say sowwy,” luke demands. vader, reluctantly, apologizes. he’s not taken with this child at all, obviously he’s just trying to earn luke’s respect, clearly. duh.
luke clambers off vader and toddles to piett to give him the biggest hug. “i sowwy,” says luke, solemnly. piett is about to faint. first lord vader, now the lordling? this is Too Much. vader’s probably giving piett the most terrifying death glare from behind his mask.
with the blessing of the Great and Powerful Luke Skywalker, piett can DEMAND THESE TWO STOP BEING CHILDREN but quietly, with a lot of respect.
obi-wan, meanwhile: i need a drink. i need a whole liquor bottle
And this is the story of how Luke Skywalker ended the Galactic Civil War by being an impossibly, irresistibly adorable 2 year old with big blue eyes and a strong sense of THAT’S MEAN, STOP THAT.
john and sherlock meet on the same bench at a dog park
sherlock tries to impress this hot military man by deducing all the people there
he turns over to look at john’s shocked face only to see it turn into smugness – john also begins to deduce……the dogs. their old and new injuries, which ball belongs to which dog, how old the dogs are
astounded, sherlock says “what do you do for a living?”
john says “i’m a vet.” 😏😏😏
& sherlock just melts like 😍😍😍😍 I FOUND A HOT MAN WHO LOVES DOGS
hounds of baskerville is still the same but instead of killing the dog at the end, john just sidles right up to the dog and starts murmuring things like “it’s okay, it’s alright we’re not gonna hurt you, we’re here to save you”.
eventually he gets the dog calm and submissive enough; sherlock’s jaw drops watching this man tame it by pat pats on its head and belly scritches
Person A owns a flower shop and person B comes storming in one day, slaps 20 bucks on the counter and says “How do I passive-aggressively say fuck you in flower?”
Omfg
MY TIME HAS COME
so you’d need a bouquet of geraniums (stupidity), foxglove (insincerity), meadowsweet (uselessness), yellow carnations (you have disappointed me), and orange lilies (hatred). it would be quite striking! and full of loathing.
– “Yeah, your mirror is a doorway
into my dimension and I’ve seen everything. Even that dance part for
one” au
– “Sure, I’m an alien but I don’t
know why you’d think I’d abduct people. But there’s a great eatery
across the galaxy if you want to check it out” au
– “Listen, I am genetically
modified and on the run and you will let me hide in your
house” au
– “I was just taking a walk
through the woods and I didn’t think Fae really existed, and I
really don’t think I’ll accept any food from you” au
– “My dragon is acting sick and
you specialize in dragon illnesses, please take a look at it. Wait,
why are you laughing” au
– “Buddy, we are in the middle of
a zombie apocalypse, I specialize in botany in unfavorable terrain
and I just saw you make a sword out of PVC pipe and string; we’re
definitely teaming up” au
– “As a wielder of dark magic I
definitely plan on taking over the world once I trick you into
releasing me from my prison, but crap, I think I might like you more
than I meant to” au
– “Ok, so you panicked and kissed
the human so he wouldn’t drown, but we can’t keep him and he can’t
leave if he knows about us merpeople, so what are we going to do”
au
– “Look, I honestly didn’t mean to
run into any awkward werewolves on my hike and why would I tell
anyone about it, what do you mean ‘take me to your leader’ are you
serious. How cliché can you be” au
– “I’m a superhero and you’re the
villain, but I saw you visiting kids at the children’s hospital and
letting them act like they defeated you and now it’s really hard to
punch you in the face” au
i’m so tired of the AU where your soulmate’s name is on your wrist. i want my enemy’s name on my wrist. i wanna know who i’m going to have to physically fight eventually. turn on your fucking location
your enemy’s name on one wrist and your soulmate the another. no clue which is which. hope it’s not the same name on both wrists.
I like the idea of being able to see the needle of the compass move around as my soul mate goes to the grocery store maybe thousands of miles away.
I like the idea of people taking a year off work to follow the little needle hoping that if they keep going they can find there other half.
Imagine widows whose compass needles are grey and broken and spin around and around continuously looking for there other half.
Imagine aromantic’s whose needle points at themselves or don’t have one at all or maybe they do but its blue and points at there friends when there close by.
Imagine polyamourous people with 2 or 3 needles on there compass and there big decision is trying to figure out which one to follow first.
Imagine parents worriedly looking at there childs compass that spins around day in and day out and they breathe a sigh of relief the day it stops spinning and starts pointing with determination to some hospital somewhere.
Imagine people going to shake hands and realizing that there needles are pointing diligently at each other and just laughing and smiling awkwardly at each other.
Imagine a being able to watch your needle move and follow someone who you love, who you never met, who you vow to one day meet.
