did I ever mention that I know someone whose family owned a zombie dog because that’s some real shit that I get to delight with at parties
Tell us that story?
okay here is the story of the zombie dog
this dog’s name was John. they found him half drowned in a bag of puppies that were not so fortunate as he was, and was taken in immediately. he was a runt and not quite right (most likely from the whole half drowned thing), but a very loving dog. the problem with John was that he smelled like death, and no one knew why. vets couldn’t figure it out. it was obviously some kind of skin problem, but they had no idea what kind. all anyone knew was that if you touched him, you would smell like death too, so you couldn’t pet him, and that for some reason, the only thing that made the smell go away was being around other dogs. so they got another dog and the death smell stopped and John lived a very happy life
when he was getting old, maybe about 15 years, part of his skull caved in. just like that! suddenly had a huge dent in his head! and he was totally fine. didn’t notice it, didn’t affect him at all. just this massive dent right there in his head where his skull had collapsed in on his brain, and he was still the happiest and most loving dog. the skull cave in, for whatever reason, caused the ear on that side of his head to just fall off entirely, but again, perfectly happy dog who did not know he was down an ear and a fully formed skull. they took him to the vet, thinking maybe they should put him down. I mean, wouldn’t you think so? but the vet said that the dog was eating, and pooping, and happy, so there was no reason to put him down, so they didn’t
but that’s not even the weird part. the weird part is the area of the brain that got caved in on was apparently the area that registers pain, so this one-eared, collapsed skull dog could no longer feel any pain. he got old, his joints got stiff, his teeth rotted out of his head, his tongue hung out of his mouth and got black and hard, and he felt none of it! in fact, he was happier than he’d ever been feeling no pain, and the fact that he didn’t feel how much he was falling apart somehow made him live until he was 23. that’s right, the collapsed skull, one eared, zero teeth, smells like literal death when alone dog lived to be 23years old. they used to joke that he’d been dead for years, but was too stupid to realize it yet
and that’s the story about the literal zombie dog my friend’s family owned
I’n simultaneously delighted, alarmed, a little horrified and impressed all at once.
Girls don’t want boys girls want an adaptation of Pride and Prejudice starring Lupita Nyong’o as Elizabeth Bennet and Gwendoline Christie as Mr Darcy
Okay so yeah.
I really liked this idea and I love drawing girls.
Also, I don’t know anything about Gwendoline Christie’s gender identity, and wouldn’t want to impose one on her. But I would really like to make her a Disney Prince.
Ok but pueblo schools where vaquero children go and learn to read and write and tell where water’s going to be in 3 months; they’re open year round but each student only has to come for 9 months so they can still help with the cattle drive
Northwest longhouses where everyone sits together and tell stories and show carvings; the carvings move and some of them tell their own stories, the totem poles out front speak if you’re polite. Salmon come from the river and go back to the river, everyone has their preferred spell for netting salmon
The Cherokee are still in Georgia. They have a very nice clapboard school, two hundred years old, educates all the Cherokee children from all over the country and nobody else. They are very secretive about it and insist it’s actually in Oklahoma.
There’s a voodoo school in New Orleans and a Beauxbatons branch in New Orleans and a traditional African school in New Orleans and a catch-all native run school in New Orleans. They don’t acknowledge each other’s existence.
The oldest European school is in Massachusetts except that the NYC school maintains they weren’t really a school until they got their charter in 1704 and so therefore the NYC school came first. There’s a very expensive school in DC that’s not any better than the black teachers teaching healing for free on the streets
If you want muggle studies there’s nowhere better than Waterrise which has branches in San Francisco and Los Angeles, they specialize in magic that can be performed on and around muggles without detection. It is very very hippie.
The Inuit have two schools and one is located in what ought to be Russia; the Inuit also maintain their own political organisation and a wildlife refuge
The reason the Europeans insist the Massachusetts school is the only one is 1) a long running and extremely vicious political fight between them and the NYC school that resulted in two new magical species and a blanket ban on self refilling vials; as a result Massachusetts tried to run off with some of NYC’s students and the Europeans just threw up their hands and went with whoever got there first 2) every other school is very very relaxed. Not about everything but about muggles and about light vs dark magic and how hard you should try to keep magical creatures out of muggle eyes (”Statute of Secrecy? Whazzat?” a logger says, wand sticking out of his overalls, as he loses control of a yeti again)
This post is everything.
THIS is what I’d always imagined American Magic would be: the acknowledgement of the many different cultures we have, our landscape, & our history.
Not only are we populous enough to warrant more than one school, surely, it’s the American spirit to have more than one! The distance alone between coasts should warrant it; or the fact that we have provinces, islands, Alaska! And how culturally different things are depending on which coast or in which geographic quadrant you live.
I just wish Fantastic Beasts felt more relevant to America the way the HP series felt to the UK.
-There is a nation-wide ban on discussion of US politics in the schools.
-The American Minister of Magic’s way of communicating to the president that they Need To Talk is that the eagle in the seal on the carpet in the Oval Office tells him so. Using a distinctly Gilbert Gottfreid-esque voice.
-The American Ministry of Magic is under Broadway. Camouflage is nearly unnecessary there.
-The school in New Mexico is also a research facility for integration of magic and science. Their test runs of new flying vessels in the 60s were the actual UFOs.
-Whenever an American school that isn’t Ilvemorny and one of the European ones get into an argument, the Canadian schools are called upon to intervene. The last time, however, it (literally) blew up in their faces and the Canadians are seriously considering staying out of it from here on out.
-The school in New York isn’t in the city. It’s at Niagara Falls, and the entry is through the sign that explains how the Falls were created by nature. One of the dining hall’s walls is the waterfall.
-The Jewish school, however, is in New York City. The entrance is next to the Lions of the New York Public Library – the People of the Book (the actual school is on Governor’s Island). They find their choice of entrance incredibly funny.
-You know that myth about the butterflies that turn at a specific part of Lake Michigan for no reason and scientists decided it was because there was a mountain there millions of years ago? Nope. There’s a school there.
“WHY COULDN’T IT BE ‘FOLLOW THE BUTTERFLIES’”
RON WEASLEY IS UNKNOWINGLY 100% CORRECT ONCE AGAIN
Except there’d be at least three Jewish schools. Probably more like seven, because there’s the girl’s school, the boy’s school, the integrated ones (modern Orthodox, conservative, & reform), & then the one that nobody would be caught DEAD in (disagreements as to whichever one that is).
And again, Jewish wizarding summer camps.
Every single one of these sorts of posts is 100000000% better than the actual canon.
