drst:
I had a realization the other day that seems obvious in retrospect, but I hadn’t put these two things together before.
I was telling my mom that I’m kind of dreading having a private practice someday because it’ll mean working lots of late nights to accommodate my clients’ schedules and make enough money, and as I know from working 12-8 last year, that’ll wreck my social life. She was like, “So you’ll have a social life on the weekends.” And I’m like, and what, spend every weekday night alone in my apartment because it’s too late to go out and see people? She gave me this knowing look and was like, “Well, hopefully you won’t be *alone*…”
That’s when it hit me that this thing–this whole monogamous couple/nuclear family ideal thing–directly enables work to take over our entire lives. Because, yes, if I had someone living in my house–in my bedroom, even–who prioritizes me higher than anyone else in his (because, let’s face it, it would always be a he in this scenario) life, who doesn’t sleep with or date any other people, who treats his free time as our shared time, who drops plans with friends or family the moment I need him, who convincingly promises to never leave me–if I had someone like that, and if I believed in that fantasy, then yes, I’d be fine working late every night and coming home at 9. I could see my friends on weekends sometimes, but I wouldn’t *need* to because I’d never be lonely or bored.
Because however you look at it, cultivating and maintaining a group of friends and a broader social circle or community takes more effort–especially more *intentional* effort–than cultivating just one person with whom you share your life. When we have to work unreasonable hours just to get by, guess which one’s more likely to fall by the wayside?
No wonder it feels like my like-minded friends and I are constantly wading through waist-deep snowdrifts. It’s not set up to work the way we want it to. Yes, life would be easier if I had someone who is always a few yards (or less) away from me when we’re not at work and who can provide romance, friendship, emotional support, entertainment, household help, financial assistance, AND hot sex (and maybe eventually co-parenting) without me ever needing to seek out other people or even leave the house. But that’s…horrifying.
Remember that the nuclear family ideal (husband/wife/child as the entire family unit) is an aberration of the 20th century. Everyone else in the world for almost all of human history has lived in large groups, either tribes or extended families, usually a blend of both. When a woman married she joined her husband’s family, or he joined hers, but humans have generally always lived in large groups with multiple generations sharing space for all of our history.
Our western experiment with making two people entirely dependent on each other for all of the emotional support normal people get from a large extended family group is part of the reason we’ve got a high divorce rate. One person isn’t enough to sustain another entirely.
I think as well, this is why so many single people (like me!) get so damn LONELY.
I recently bought a house (by myself) and I pay all the bills, buy all the food, ect, because it’s just me that lives here.
And at night, I’m so fucking LONELY. My coupled friends don’t get it, they want some peace and quiet to get away from the kids, or the hubby – and when I say “I’m so bored” they don’t get it.
My ONLY FACE-TO-FACE interaction is at work.
That’s it. If I don’t make the effort to go out at weekends, I see no one.
Sure, I can talk to people on the phone, and I have online friends… but you know, I don’t remember the last time I got a hug?
Yup. I went to a coworker who I’m close to the other day and asked for a hug because I couldn’t remember the last time I touched another human being. Dog cuddles can only take me so far.
Holy shit, it’s what I’ve been saying the whole time. I’m super introverted, but I /need/ people around me. I will go to coffee shops just to talk to the barista and hear people around me, because I get so lonely. I routinely turn into a clingy, touchy-feely person when I’m home because that is the only place I get hugs. Do you know how many times I have become just… absolutely depressed and unhappy, just because I want a fucking hug and there’s no one to hug? There was this admin assistant when I started here and she and I talked a lot and I’d go by her office just to say hi, and she would always, ALWAYS give me a hug. And then she left, and now I don’t get hugs. Which maybe seems like a weird thing to be upset about, but I am, routinely.
People ask me how I put up with having a roommate all the time, and why I don’t just live by myself rather than playing roommate roulette and maybe getting a bad roommate (hasn’t happened so far, though). It’s because I go CRAZY when I live alone. Sure, having the cats around helps, but I seriously DO NOT deal well living by myself. I’ve tried it, and I can handle it for about three weeks to a month, but after that it starts to really wear on me, especially if I’m dealing with a lot of stress or something at school/work. I often joke that I don’t care if I ever get married, but I would be super psyched if someone I really liked (or multiple someones, even better) and got along with wanted to be roommates forever and ever so at least I’d know I wouldn’t be alone.
Right, this. Positive social contact, including friendly touch, is a thing that most-to-all humans very much need. I’m both pretty solitary and pretty good at keeping my chin up even when things aren’t ideal, but when I look back at my life the unhappiest part of it by far was the part where I was most isolated. And I’ve never even had to deal with living alone, so who knows how I’d handle that.
And, honestly, that expectation – on a societal level! – that everyone will find one person and basically build a life around them and only them…like OP said, I find that pretty horrifying. Especially when the dominant socially acceptable alternative is the aforementioned intense loneliness. Good grief.
So to summarise – working full time long hours plays havoc with having a social life.
We need a social life or we get sick and lonely.
Therefore we should stop working long hours and use our free time to cultivate friendships.
Sound freaking excellent idea to me.
If we actually had enough space for all of us I’ve said more than once that I could live with my siblings forever. Right now there’s five people and two emotionally best cats living in our three bedroom house so it’s not great.
But with enough room? Sign me up
My sister and her best friend lived next door to each other in their apartment building for a few years and it was great for them. A few nights a week they’d make dinner together or go out and do something. They watched certain shows together, splitting the cost of cable so it was actually affordable. The rest of the time they had their own space and could hang out with their boyfriends whenever. Even their cats went back and forth between the apartments.
Tl;dr I could happily live in the same apartment building with a few of my friends forever.
@prosthetical and I have continually been talking about a very similar arrangement for years now.
Okay but can someone explain why a private practice would mean working late?
Every GP here is shut at 5pm… Like every other business.There’s nothing in the op that indicates they’re going to be a gp. Based on the op’s blog, I wonder if they’re studying psychology and they did mention they were trying to accommodate their client’s schedules. I know several counselors I’ve seen who were open past 7pm etc.
Even though I never lived alone (I wouldn’t even know how) I still feel the need to see some of my closest friends even on weekdays. Seeing my housemates and lovers just isn’t enough. So I always had these kinds of friendships where you sometimes sleep on your friend’s house. Like I return from class at 11pm, call my friend and ask if I could come over. Or they come over. We eat, watch something, talk, sleep, go to work/class the next day. I did this as a kid and just never stopped doing it. Having no social life on weekdays, even if you’re practically married as I am, is terrible. Weekends are just not long enough for you to both rest and cultivate meaningful friendships.
What’s with the western ideal of isolation?
When my hubby was deployed in Iraq the one thing he said he missed most of all was just hugs.
Similarly, I complained to one of my friends that I missed hugs and she looked at me a little dumbfounded. But I don’t have kids, so with a deployed spouse it was literally just me.
After that she made a point of hugging me every time she saw me and encouraged her kids to do the same. It helped a lot.