me: *designs an oc*
me: *thinks of the kind of personality my oc has*
me: *gives oc a backstory as well as friends and love interests etc*
me: ah yes but what is your name
Heterosexuality is a couch. Nobody even bats an eye if you keep it in the living room for everyone to see–it’s simply expected. I mean, where the hell else would you keep it? Hidden in a bedroom? No, that would be weird.
Homosexuality is a bed. Having a bed in a public room is considered weird and gross–you’re expected to keep it in private bedroom you close the door to before anyone else comes over. Because even though there are a million and one things someone can do sitting on a bed
that aren’t sexual (and plenty of ways to have sex on a couch), the first and foremost thing anyone associates beds with is sex.
Bisexuality is a Western-style futon. Sometimes it functions like a couch, sometimes it functions like a bed, but whichever position it’s in at the moment, it’s still a goddamn futon. People who want to use it as a couch give you shit for not having a real
couch; people who want to use it as a bed give you shit for not having a
real bed. It’s acceptable in your living room, but only if you make extra certain to put it in couch position and hide the sheets before company comes over. Otherwise, you’d better hide it in a guest room.
Asexuality is a table. No matter how many times you tell people it’s not meant to be sat on, dickheads with no manners will try to park their nasty asses on it anyway.
Matthew Vaughn: Hey everybody, I was considering some cool stuff to maybe add to the Kingsman 2 scrip-
Fandom: *bursts in with binders and presentation charts* We have you covered, Mr. Vaughn.
Matthew Vaughn: Uhh, what?
Fandom: You need a plot? Here’s 1,376 fully fleshed plots, complete with villains, world building and extra/new characters.
Matthew Vaughn: WTF.
Fandom: You need new knights, or old knights with fresh backstories? Here’s 183, complete with fully researched Arthurian legends and names, each one with a character trait that defines both them as a character but also embodies their namesake.
Fandom: You need to bring Harry back? Here’s how. Also, in case for some weird reason you want to avoid the butt stuff, here’s some plots for how Harry comes back and doesn’t immediately seduce Eggsy, but whatever.
Fandom: Need to make sure the actors can get there for filming? Here’s each of the top 5 actors’ schedules as taken from social media and cross referenced with their IMDB pro page, and also with that one girl’s European trip where she stalked them for a few months and got their mail.
Fandom: In fact, here’s 5 different, fully realized scripts complete with storyboards and suggestions for blocking, choreography, and contact information for the folks you used in the first film. Just let us do it, sir.
Fandom: Also here’s a bunch of Olive Garden breadsticks we stole.
Matthew Vaughn: Uh, what…. what do you people want in return?
Fandom: MORNING AFTER BREAKFAST SCENE.
