{"id":96558,"date":"2016-06-16T16:24:03","date_gmt":"2016-06-16T16:24:03","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/2016\/06\/16\/podle5-ive-been-trying-all-week-to-articulate\/"},"modified":"2016-06-16T16:24:03","modified_gmt":"2016-06-16T16:24:03","slug":"podle5-ive-been-trying-all-week-to-articulate","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/2016\/06\/16\/podle5-ive-been-trying-all-week-to-articulate\/","title":{"rendered":""},"content":{"rendered":"

podle5<\/a>:<\/p>\n

\n

I\u2019ve been trying all week to articulate this \u2026 awful feeling in my heart and in my head.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m a white cis-gendered woman, and I\u2019m married to a white, cis-gendered man.\u00a0 I\u2019ve struggled with my sexuality for most of my life, finally realizing, at the not so tender age of 39, that I am bi.\u00a0 My first marriage (ten and a half years), was to a woman.\u00a0 My romantic history is pretty much 50\/50, and it took me a long time to realize that I am neither one (heterosexual) nor the other (lesbian), but somewhere fluidly in-between.<\/p>\n

I pass.\u00a0 I pass in a variety of ways every day.\u00a0 I am a child of privilege, I know which fork to use, how to sit properly, how to exit a car demurely while wearing a skirt and I know that my back shouldn\u2019t touch the back of my chair and that my knees should always be together (ankles crossing is permissible, leg over knee is not).\u00a0 I was raised in a cloud of classical music and manners, I know my Shakespeare from my Kafka, I\u2019ve taken Latin, and attended sailing camp.\u00a0 I am well bred.\u00a0 I pass.\u00a0 <\/p>\n

A couple of weeks ago, some kids around the corner from us set up a lemonade and bracelet stand (super adorable).\u00a0 They pretty much chased us down when we went to our car to ask if we would buy one or the other.\u00a0 I picked the most purple bracelet they had (I\u2019m pretty sure it is made out of colored rubber bands and I love it).\u00a0 I noticed only later that it is the colors of the bi-flag with a band of rainbow at the end.\u00a0 I loved the accident of that.<\/p>\n

A week or so ago we were sitting at our local bar when one of the guy we regularly talk to (straight, white, a former army ranger) mentioned that if he won the lottery he would buy up all the tickets to a country singer\u2019s concert, sit in the front row, and call him a fag.\u00a0 I was so surprised I didn\u2019t say anything.\u00a0 My husband was the one who spoke up, who said that is not okay.\u00a0 Other guys chimed in, trying to explain that it wasn\u2019t a shitty thing to do, that calling someone a fag had nothing to do with hating gay people.\u00a0 The discussion turned towards totally not hating gay people, but being very bothered when they are \u201ctoo gay.“\u00a0 This is an old argument I\u2019ve heard over and over again.\u00a0 Your gayness is fine as long as you aren\u2019t "too gay."\u00a0 We left shortly after that.\u00a0 I haven\u2019t felt comfortable around those guys since then.\u00a0 I haven\u2019t felt comfortable around myself.\u00a0 My husband spoke up.\u00a0 I supported him but I\u2019m not the one that really argued the point.\u00a0 <\/p>\n

Orlando happened.\u00a0 I haven\u2019t slept well since then.\u00a0 That Sunday we bought our tickets for a trip to New York in the fall.\u00a0 My husband mentioned that it would be cool to walk down the street in New York, holding hands.\u00a0 My first, automatic, response was that we can hold hands anywhere.\u00a0 <\/p>\n

At work it is obvious who is straight and who is not.\u00a0 The not straight, all of us, keep checking the news, checking updates on Orlando, passing around articles about what happened.\u00a0 We know why it matters deeply that this happened at a gay club.\u00a0 We know our history.\u00a0 The rest of the people at work, they don\u2019t.\u00a0 It is still a hidden history.\u00a0 They know about pride month, but they don\u2019t know about Stonewall.\u00a0 They know and care that lives have been lost, but they don\u2019t understand the nuances.\u00a0 They don\u2019t understand how this is obviously a fucking a hate crime.\u00a0 It is still a hidden history.\u00a0 Co-workers are somewhat surprised that this matters so much to me.\u00a0 <\/p>\n

I pass.\u00a0 And right now that makes me feel like a fucking fraud.\u00a0 <\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

I feel this, very much. I\u2019m 37 and realizing that I\u2019m at least a little bi. Probably, like when Mara Wilson came out, a 2, if we\u2019re using Kinsey.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve also been married to a man for 18 years (cis white woman).<\/p>\n

I never knew liking girls was an option, growing up. I don\u2019t have any extensive experience with girls beyond a kiss here or there. I got married young and I\u2019ve only ever really had relationships with guys.<\/p>\n

But I know that I\u2019m attracted to some girls, at least on some level.<\/p>\n

And yet, while I would be the first person to tell someone else that their relationship doesn\u2019t invalidate their bisexuality, I have a hard time with it myself. I suppose I feel like if i\u2019ve got no practical experience it doesn\u2019t really count, which i realize intellectually is false, but I have a hard time accepting in myself.<\/p>\n

I didn\u2019t mean to hijack your post, it\u2019s just something that\u2019s been on my mind, especially since Saturday. I pass too, and I don\u2019t feel like I have the right to count myself as part of the community.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

podle5: I\u2019ve been trying all week to articulate this \u2026 awful feeling in my heart and in my head. I\u2019m a white cis-gendered woman, and I\u2019m married to a white, cis-gendered man.\u00a0 I\u2019ve struggled with my sexuality for most of my life, finally realizing, at the not so tender age of 39, that I am … <\/p>\n

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