{"id":282966,"date":"2018-09-25T08:23:11","date_gmt":"2018-09-25T08:23:11","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/2018\/09\/25\/the-most-metal-mass-extinction-events-ranked-2\/"},"modified":"2018-09-25T08:23:11","modified_gmt":"2018-09-25T08:23:11","slug":"the-most-metal-mass-extinction-events-ranked-2","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/2018\/09\/25\/the-most-metal-mass-extinction-events-ranked-2\/","title":{"rendered":"The Most Metal Mass Extinction Events, Ranked"},"content":{"rendered":"

beltsquid<\/a>:<\/p>\n

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retrogradeworks<\/a>:<\/p>\n

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melannen<\/a>:<\/p>\n

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angualupin<\/a>:<\/p>\n

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melannen<\/a>:<\/p>\n

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angualupin<\/a>:<\/p>\n

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melannen<\/a>:<\/p>\n

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angualupin<\/a>:<\/p>\n

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in the style of The Toast<\/a><\/p>\n

That One Unnamed Extinction Event That Happened When Blue-Green Algae Discovered Photosynthesis and Started Pumping the Environment Full of Oxygen, Which Was Toxic to All Other Life on Earth at That Point in Time<\/b><\/p>\n

This extinction event did result in the extinction of more living organisms than any other, whether you rank by number of individuals, number of orders\/genera\/species, % of life, or amount of biomass, but they were all single-celled organisms, so they don\u2019t even register on the metal scale.<\/p>\n

The Current Slow Slide Due to Anthropogenic Environmental Modification<\/b><\/p>\n

Habitat destruction isn\u2019t very metal.<\/p>\n

Late Devonian<\/b><\/p>\n

Some super-weird shit died out, which is totally metal, but we have no idea why, which isn\u2019t. It might not even have been an extinction event, just a decrease in the speciation rate. Jawed vertebrates totally unaffected.<\/p>\n

End Ordovician<\/b><\/p>\n

Second-largest extinction event after the End Permian (not counting those blue-green algae fuckers). Caused by tectonic plate shifting (kinda metal) and resulting glaciation (mildly metal).<\/p>\n

Deep Impact<\/i><\/b><\/p>\n

Pros: Giant asteroid hitting the earth.<\/p>\n

Cons: Fictional.<\/p>\n

End\u00a0Triassic<\/b><\/p>\n

Probably caused by massive volcanic eruptions, which is pretty metal, but mostly just wiped out some weird looking amphibians, which is only mildly metal.<\/p>\n

End Permian<\/b><\/p>\n

Greatest extinction event of all time (with the exception of that blue-green algae fiasco mentioned above), wiping out ~95% of all species: metal. Only known mass extinction of insects: metal. Probably caused by the biggest volcanic eruptions since life began (metal) which ignited massive coal beds (metal) and caused the release of methane from the ocean floor (metal) resulting in a runaway greenhouse effect that raised the average ocean temperature to 40C for several million years, essentially boiling the earth alive (super metal). Paved the way for dinosaurs to take over the earth: metal. Known as the\u00a0\u2018Great Dying\u2019: totally metal.<\/p>\n

However, most of the extinctions occurred in sessile marine organisms, which are way too boring to be metal, and for the first ~20 million years after the extinction event, land was dominated by Lystrosaurus<\/a>, which is the most un-metal looking reptile you can think of.<\/p>\n

End\u00a0Cretaceous, aka the K-T Event<\/b><\/p>\n

A GIANT FLAMING BALL OF ROCK HIT THE EARTH AND KILLED ALL THE (non-avian) DINOSAURS. ENOUGH SAID.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

Have they stopped calling the first one the GREAT OXYGEN CATASTROPHE<\/a> then?<\/p>\n

I agree with most of this post (I\u2019d swap Permian\/Cretaceous because the Permian was freakin\u2019 metal, yo, but no biggie) but you don\u2019t get more metal than the GREAT OXYGEN CATASTROPHE<\/p>\n

The entire surface of the earth was POISONED by a GAS that SHOULD NOT EXIST according to the basic LAWS OF THERMODYNAMICS<\/p>\n

It\u2019s so metal that even billions of years later Earth has had to evolve entire ecosystems that METABOLIZE DEADLY POISON GAS. And survive by EATING EACH OTHER (which was probably not a thing pre-OXYGEN HOLOCAUST, you don\u2019t need to bother eating each other if you aren\u2019t trying to survive in a world full of IMPOSSIBLE DEADLY GAS.) Earth\u2019s original inhabitants now have to eke out an existence in sealed-off channels in SOLID ROCK and similar places.<\/p>\n

THAT IS AS METAL AS IT GETS.<\/p>\n

(also there\u2019s the nuclear fission reactions<\/a> and stuff, that part\u2019s fun. Did the dinosaurs have nuclear fission? NO.)<\/p>\n

(and then SNOWBALL EARTH, eat your heart out, Elsa.)<\/a><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

I DID NOT KNOW IT WAS CALLED THE GREAT OXYGEN CATASTROPHE<\/b> THAT MAKES IT EVEN BETTER<\/p>\n

single-celled organisms are still not metal, though, so it remains in last place<\/p>\n

I mean, yeah, O2, what a fucker, how is it even still around, it\u2019s reactive as shit and eats literally everything it comes in contact with but<\/p>\n

when 99.999999999999999999% of life on your planet gets wiped out by algae<\/i>\u00a0you don\u2019t go around bragging about it<\/p>\n

I\u2019m just saying<\/p>\n

algae<\/i><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

don\u2019t say algae<\/p>\n

LIFE<\/p>\n

LIFE was destroyed by LIFE ITSELF<\/p>\n

can\u2019t you hear the distorted guitar riffs in the background<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

I get that, on an existential level, life being destroyed by life itself is very meta<\/p>\n

I just don\u2019t think it\u2019s very metal<\/i><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

*dies from the toxic fumes emitted by that stinker*<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

<\/figure>\n<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

No, you don\u2019t understand, the Great Oxygen Catastrophe is literally metal<\/b> <\/i>because we can track it by banded iron formations<\/a> that were created on the ancient seafloor through the mass oxidation of dissolved iron in the oceans. Fun fact: before cyanobacteria started farting out oxygen and choking the life out of anaerobic bacteria\/triggering a \u2018snowball Earth\u2019 phase, the oceans would have looked green, not blue, due to all the dissolved iron.\u00a0 This can be observed today in oxygen-deprived lakes<\/a>!<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

beltsquid: retrogradeworks: melannen: angualupin: melannen: angualupin: melannen: angualupin: in the style of The Toast That One Unnamed Extinction Event That Happened When Blue-Green Algae Discovered Photosynthesis and Started Pumping the Environment Full of Oxygen, Which Was Toxic to All Other Life on Earth at That Point in Time This extinction event did result in the … <\/p>\n

Continue reading “The Most Metal Mass Extinction Events, Ranked”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[23201,4],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/282966"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=282966"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/282966\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=282966"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=282966"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=282966"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}