{"id":281190,"date":"2018-10-12T03:25:03","date_gmt":"2018-10-12T03:25:03","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/2018\/10\/12\/someone-in-the-fort-collins-area-owes-me-an\/"},"modified":"2018-10-12T03:25:03","modified_gmt":"2018-10-12T03:25:03","slug":"someone-in-the-fort-collins-area-owes-me-an","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/2018\/10\/12\/someone-in-the-fort-collins-area-owes-me-an\/","title":{"rendered":""},"content":{"rendered":"

gallusrostromegalus<\/a>:<\/p>\n

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jurgenronaaz<\/a>:<\/p>\n

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gallusrostromegalus<\/a>:<\/p>\n

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artemisnightingale216<\/a>:<\/p>\n

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gallusrostromegalus<\/a>:<\/p>\n

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Someone in the Fort Collins Area owes me an explanation<\/h1>\n

So, I\u2019m up at my parent\u2019s house to return the power tools I borrowed and say hi, and I\u2019m out walking the dogs. Got a leash in each hand, dual-weilding doggos. It\u2019s a bit tricky but they\u2019re used to this and don\u2019t tangle as much and I\u2019m the only person with good enough knees to stop them when they see snackable wildlife.<\/p>\n

Anyway, we\u2019re on the North end of the Poudre River trail, by overland, you know where that long bridge is? And I\u2019m disposing of dog waste right before the bridge like a responsible adult when I hear what sounds like an ice cream truck playing \u201cYankee Doodle\u201d at roughly five times the speed it\u2019s normally played at and see the following:<\/p>\n

There is a gentleman rapidly approaching our location who is also dual-weilding doggos, but in his case he\u2019s got a pair of malamutes barreling down the trail at full Iditarod speed, clearly having the time of their lives. They\u2019re hauling thier human behind them, whom I will describe from the top down:<\/p>\n

He\u2019s wearing a helmet, which is the only sensible thing going on here. He also has a magnificent handlebar mustache that is flapping joyously in the unusual October rain. He\u2019s wearing a full body Spandex suit of such intensely clashing colors that is physically hurt to look at, but most importantly <\/p>\n

He is riding<\/p>\n

A unicycle.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s not a normal unicycle either this gentleman is towering over us mortals in an unreasonably massive unicycle, like he\u2019d lost the back end of a penny farthing and decided that was an acceptable means of transportation. I see a device attached to the seat that looks like a pedal-powered music box which explains why my ears are being assaulted with the speed core rendition of Yankee Fucking Doodle. I do not see brakes.<\/p>\n

I realize I have half a second to grab my own dogs before they decide to join or topple this strange Traveller from wherever Dr.Seuss books are set. I gather each animal under my arms and stand there with a collective hundred pounds of writhing canine under my armpits as the malamutes pick of speed and as they pass the gentleman cheerfully bellows something at me that I don\u2019t hear because Arwen has already partially broken my hold and is attempting to climb on my head, presumably to launch herself at him.<\/p>\n

And then he is gone.<\/p>\n

We stand there, staring bewildered in the direction of his last known trajectory, listening as speedcore Yankee Doodle fades into the distance. Even after it is gone I still wait, because the trail ends in half a mile from here and I expect to here a crash, possibly even see a fire explosion. But nothing comes, only the sound of October rain and confused dogs.<\/p>\n

So if you know of this gentleman and if he\u2019s still alive\/on the material plane, can you ask him something for me?<\/p>\n

How the hell does he STOP?<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

Did you ever find out?<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

This happened an hour ago. I\u2019ve barely had time to put the kettle on and tell y’all.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

Mate I was BORN in Colorado, raised near the Realm of the Dread Corn Gods, and I have no idea what in the good god damn you just encountered, but they are not to be trifled with.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

1. According to the notes, apparently you BACKPEDAL to make Unicycles stop, and this giant kind is called\u00a0\u00a0\u201cGiraffe\u201d, and you dismount it by\u2026 falling forwards while holding onto the seat.\u00a0 So I susspose he could backpedal and then make an acrobatics check to land on his feet when the dogs Keep Going.\u00a0 Malamutes, even really well-trained ones, are had to slow from a gallop and from that point the trail ends fairly shortly.<\/p>\n

2.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n

<\/figure>\n

@savethecanteloupe I\u2019m so glad somebody knows who this is.\u00a0 Tell him if he wants to get involved in local protest theater I can make introductions for him.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

gallusrostromegalus: jurgenronaaz: gallusrostromegalus: artemisnightingale216: gallusrostromegalus: Someone in the Fort Collins Area owes me an explanation So, I\u2019m up at my parent\u2019s house to return the power tools I borrowed and say hi, and I\u2019m out walking the dogs. Got a leash in each hand, dual-weilding doggos. It\u2019s a bit tricky but they\u2019re used to this … <\/p>\n

Continue reading “”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[25568,25567,4],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/281190"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=281190"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/281190\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=281190"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=281190"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=281190"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}