{"id":281042,"date":"2018-10-13T08:23:10","date_gmt":"2018-10-13T08:23:10","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/2018\/10\/13\/my-boyfriend-is-trying-to-explain-cricket-to-me\/"},"modified":"2018-10-13T08:23:10","modified_gmt":"2018-10-13T08:23:10","slug":"my-boyfriend-is-trying-to-explain-cricket-to-me","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/2018\/10\/13\/my-boyfriend-is-trying-to-explain-cricket-to-me\/","title":{"rendered":""},"content":{"rendered":"

theostry<\/a>:<\/p>\n

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gen-is-gone<\/a>:<\/p>\n

\n

elodieunderglass<\/a>:<\/p>\n

\n

gracklesong<\/a>:<\/p>\n

\n

gracklesong<\/a>:<\/p>\n

\n

My boyfriend is trying to explain cricket to me again. \u201cHe\u2019s only got two balls to make 48 runs\u201d, he says. The camera focuses on a man. Underneath him it says LEFT ARM FAST MEDIUM. A ball flies into the stands and presumably fractures someone\u2019s skull. \u201cThere\u2019s a free six\u201d, my boyfriend says. 348 SIXES says the screen. A child in the audience waves a sign referencing Weet-Bix<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

<\/figure>\n

The first time he showed me this I assumed he was pranking me<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

if people haven\u2019t been exposed to cricket before, here is the experience. The person who likes cricket turns on a radio with an air of happy expectation.\u00a0\u201cWe\u2019ll just catch up with the cricket,\u201d they say.\u00a0 <\/p>\n

An elderly British man with an accent – you can picture exactly what he looks like and what he is wearing, somehow, and you know that he will explain the important concept of Yorkshire to you at length if you make eye contact – is saying \u201cAnd w\u2019 four snickets t\u2019 wicket, Umbleby dives under the covers and romps home for a sticky bicket.\u201d<\/p>\n

There is a deep and satisfied silence. Weather happens over the radio. This lasts for three minutes.<\/p>\n

A gentle young gentleman with an Indian accent, whose perfect and beautiful clear voice makes him sound like a poet sipping from a cup of honeyed drink always, says mildly \u201cOf course we cannot forget that when Pakistan last had the biscuit under the covers, they were thrown out of bed. In 1957, I believe.\u201d<\/p>\n

You mouth \u201cwhat the fucking fuck<\/i>.\u201d<\/p>\n

A morally ambiguous villain from a superhero movie says off-microphone, \u201cCrumbs everywhere.\u201d<\/p>\n

Apparently continuing a previous conversation, the villain asks, \u201cDo<\/i> seagulls eat tacos?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sure someone will tell us eventually,\u201d the poet says. His voice is so beautiful that it should be familiar; he should be the only announcer on the radio, the only reader of audiobooks. <\/p>\n

The villain says with sudden interest, \u201cOh, a leg over straight and under the covers, Peterson and Singh are rumping along with a straight fine leg and good pumping action. Thanks to his powerful thighs, Peterson is an excellent legspinner, apart from being rude on Twitter.\u201d<\/p>\n

The man from Yorkshire roars potently, like a bull seeing another bull. There might be words in his roar, but otherwise it is primal and sizzling.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat isn\u2019t straight<\/i>,\u201d the poet says. \u201cIt\u2019s silly<\/i>.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat the fucking fuck<\/i>,\u201d you say out loud at this point.<\/p>\n

\u201cShh,\u201d says the person who likes cricket. They listen, tensely. Something in the distance makes a very small \u201cthwack,\u201d like a baby dropping an egg.<\/p>\n

\u201cWas that a doosra or a googly?\u201d the villain asks.<\/p>\n

\u201cIT\u2019S A WRONG \u2018UN,\u201d roars the Yorkshireman in his wrath. A powerful insult has been offered. They begin to scuffle.<\/p>\n

\u201cWith that double doozy, Crumpet is baffled for three turns, Agarwal is deep in the biscuit tin and Padgett has gone to the shops undercover,\u201d the poet says quickly, to cover the action while his companions are busy. The villain is being throttled, in a friendly companionable way.<\/p>\n

An intern apparently brings a message scrawled on a scrap of paper like a courier sprinting across a battlefield. \u201cReddy has rolled a nat 20,\u201d the poet says with barely contained excitement. \u201cAustralia is both a continent and an island. But we\u2019re running out of time!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIs that true?\u201d You ask suddenly.<\/p>\n

\u201cShh!\u201d Says the person who likes cricket. \u201cIt\u2019s a test<\/i> match.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAbout Australia.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe won\u2019t know THAT until the third DAY.\u201d<\/p>\n

A distant \u201cpock\u201d noise. The sound of thirty people saying \u201ctsk,\u201d sorrowfully.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd the baby\u2019s dropped the egg. Four legs over or we\u2019re done for, as long as it doesn\u2019t rain.\u201d<\/p>\n

The villain might be dead? You begin to find yourself emotionally invested. <\/p>\n

There are mild distant cheers. \u201cOh, and with twelve sticky wickets t\u2019 over and<\/i> t\u2019 seagull\u2019s exploded,\u201d the man from the North says as if all of his dreams have come true.\u00a0\u201cWhat a beautiful<\/i> day.\u201d Your person who likes cricket relaxes. It is tea break. <\/p>\n

The villain, apparently alive, describes the best hat in the audience as \u201clike a funnel made of dove-colored net, but backwards, with flies trapped in it.\u201d<\/p>\n

This is every bit as good as that time in Australia in 1975, they all agree, drinking their tea and eating home-made cakes sent in by the fans. The poet comments favorably on the icing and sugar-preserved violets. The Yorkshire man discourses on the nature of sponge. The villain clatters his cup too hard on his saucer. To cover his embarrassment, the poet begins scrolling through Twitter on his phone, reading aloud the best memes in his enchanting milky voice. Then, with joy, he reads an @ from an ornithologist at the University of Reading: seagulls do<\/i> eat tacos! A reference is cited; the poet reads it aloud. Everyone cheers. <\/p>\n

You are honestly – against your will – kind of into it! but also: weirdly enraged.<\/i><\/p>\n

\u201cWas that \u2026 it?\u201d you ask, deeming it safe to interrupt.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo,\u201d says the person who likes cricket, \u201cThis is second tea break on the first day. We won\u2019t know where we really<\/i> are until lunch tomorrow.\u201d<\/p>\n

And – because you cannot stop them – you have to accept this; if cricket teaches you anything, it is this gentle and radical acceptance. <\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

somebody please draw this with the Fifth Doctor + companions<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

did<\/p>\n

did Douglas Adams write that<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

theostry: gen-is-gone: elodieunderglass: gracklesong: gracklesong: My boyfriend is trying to explain cricket to me again. \u201cHe\u2019s only got two balls to make 48 runs\u201d, he says. The camera focuses on a man. Underneath him it says LEFT ARM FAST MEDIUM. A ball flies into the stands and presumably fractures someone\u2019s skull. \u201cThere\u2019s a free six\u201d, … <\/p>\n

Continue reading “”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[8639,4],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/281042"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=281042"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/281042\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=281042"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=281042"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=281042"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}