{"id":276892,"date":"2018-11-24T10:58:25","date_gmt":"2018-11-24T10:58:25","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/2018\/11\/24\/the-turkey-story-2\/"},"modified":"2018-11-24T10:58:25","modified_gmt":"2018-11-24T10:58:25","slug":"the-turkey-story-2","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/2018\/11\/24\/the-turkey-story-2\/","title":{"rendered":"The Turkey Story"},"content":{"rendered":"

gallusrostromegalus<\/a>:<\/p>\n

\n

So it\u2019s 2001, and my family drives from fucking California and like three blizzards to get to Ohio for thanksgiving, becuase my grandparents are moving into a nursing home and it\u2019s their last holiday in that house.\u00a0 So its a bit bittersweet but ultimately a good thing.<\/p>\n

Since it\u2019s their last holiday there, the family pulls out all the stops when it comes to dinner, all the Russian desserts come out, as does the Lethal Bacon Mashed Potatoes and the horrible candied yams with the mini marshmallows dish because not all expressions of love are good, even if they are sincere.\u00a0 In the spirit of going all-out, Uncle Bobby smokes a Turkey.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n

Uncle Bobby started cooking as a boy scout by tossing foil-wrapped potatoes into a campfire and has been addicted since, and now has a hand-made smokehouse in the backyard where he makes various cured meats and other delights.\u00a0 He seasons the turkey in the traditional manner, but he and grandpa have a shared passion for a spicier mesquite-style bird, so Bobby makes a Cornish Game Hen seasoned that way, for them.<\/p>\n

Then Bobby has a Brilliant Idea.\u00a0 He realizes that he can stuff the turkey (once it has been smoked) with regular stuffing, and there is still plenty of room for him to put the game hen inside THAT, and stuff the game hen becuase why not?\u00a0 He confers with Mom, and she explains how to cut open the turkey so there\u2019s\u00a0 dramatic reveal as the stuffing and game hen come out.\u00a0 It\u2019s Genius.<\/p>\n

Except, of course, that my Aunt Sue is attending, Uncle Cliff slouching after her.<\/p>\n

So the day of the dinner, tensions are running a bit high, between the marathon cooking, the kids all being trapped indoors due to aforementioned blizzards, and Uncle Cliff deciding that the best way to amuse himself is by hiding from the adults in the basement, getting drunk and rambling about how various ethic groups were destroying America.\u00a0 Being that I had close Muslim friends that were leaving the country becuase of 9\/11, I was near tears from this nonsense and ready to fight a man roughly five times my size.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n

Sue, for some reason, keeps coming down and defending him, or telling us we\u2019re rotten children for\u00a0\u2018attacking\u2019 him, becuase she Must Stand By Her Man, even if her man is a hefty bag of dog feces with an ugly mustache.<\/p>\n

My sister eventually bolts upstairs to tattle and my grandfather limps down to the basement and brandishes his Hip-Bone Cane, hands rock-steady in spite of the Parkinson\u2019s slowly taking over him.<\/p>\n

\u201cFirstly Cliff, It may not be my roof much longer but while you are under it you will be civil, or I\u2019ll beat your skull in.\u00a0 Also, dinner\u2019s ready, everyone go wash up.\u201d<\/p>\n

We go upstairs and sit down, and do the traditional\u00a0\u201cName one thing you\u2019re thankful for\u201d as the bread gets passed around the table, and things calm down a bit.\u00a0 Bobby brings out the Turkey and everyone goes OOH becuase it\u2019s really pretty, them Mom carves it open so that the stuffing spills out dramatically along with the game hen and there\u2019s an appreciative gasp all around becuase it looks cool.<\/p>\n

Only Sue KEEPS gasping, in utter horror, before getting up and clasping her hands to her face ala Edvard Munch and shrieks-<\/p>\n

\u201cOH MY GOD IT WAS PREGNANT<\/b>!\u201d<\/p>\n

We all stare at Sue.\u00a0 We all look back at the fully-dressed-cooked-and-stuffed birds that in no way had any internal organs in them or ever gave live birth. Then we all looked back at Sue, trying to figure out where to begin but since she\u2019d been trying to justify Cliff\u2019s behavior she was pretty much free-associating conspiracies and scandals now, and just kept going.<\/p>\n

\u201cIT WAS PREGNANT MY GOD WE\u2019VE COMMITTED AN ABORTION<\/i> WE\u2019RE ALL GOING TO HELL<\/i> FOR THIS, I\u2019M SO SORRY JESUS-\u201d She goes into full pearl-clutching gibbering horror at this point and falls back into her chair like it\u2019s a Victorian fainting couch only it\u2019s a shitty chair from the Eisenhower administration so it collapses and she slams into the floor, sobbing and kicking her feet like a toddler.<\/p>\n

Everyone watched for a moment before my Mom sighs heavily and starts carving and serving the turkey while my grandmother mouths\u00a0\u201cshe\u2019s not coming back\u201d.\u00a0 \u00a0<\/p>\n

Cliff, reactions delayed by about six beers, finally notices his wife is on the floor and tries to pick her up, falls on his ass himself.\u00a0 They are assisted by Dad, who is saintly patient man and less immune to this jacknapery at that point. I am stuffing dinner rolls into my face to keep from laughing at this grand spectacle and it\u2019s not working.<\/p>\n

\u201cI CAN\u2019T EAT IT, I REFUSE TO PARTAKE IN THIS BARBARISM-\u201d\u00a0 Sue begins but Dad puts on his best Kindly Father voice (he was heavily involved with the catholic church and even considered becoming a priest before getting drafted but that\u2019s another story) and assures Sue that she need not eat, or even be in the room if she wants.\u00a0 She nods, placated by being the center of attention again, and Dad goes in for the kill.<\/p>\n

\u201cI wouldn\u2019t want you to go hungry.\u00a0 Can I make you some Eggs<\/i>?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat would be lovely.\u201d Said Sue, joke flying over her head like a boeing 747.\u00a0 I recall watching my grandmother nearly choke to death on the green beans over that, and everyone pointedly trying to avoid talking about anything poultry-related while Sue sat there and ate the most ironic scrambled eggs in the history of mankind.<\/p>\n

Shortly thereafter, Cliff threw up in the sink and they went home, and the party got underway properly, with Grandpa raising a toast to Mom and Uncle Bobby \u201cFor marrying well, for a change\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPregnant Turkey\u201d has been an Ohioan thanksgiving staple since then.\u00a0 I\u2019ll see if I can hit Uncle Bobby up for instructions but if you decide to make it 1. you HAVE to shriek\u00a0\u201cOH MY GOD IT WAS PREGNANT\u201d when you carve it open, or it\u2019s not authentic and won\u2019t taste as good 2. Share the pictures with me.<\/p>\n

\n

If you enjoyed this story, help me avoid unnecessary employment so I can tell more by donating to my Tip Jar<\/a><\/i><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

gallusrostromegalus: So it\u2019s 2001, and my family drives from fucking California and like three blizzards to get to Ohio for thanksgiving, becuase my grandparents are moving into a nursing home and it\u2019s their last holiday in that house.\u00a0 So its a bit bittersweet but ultimately a good thing. Since it\u2019s their last holiday there, the … <\/p>\n

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