{"id":269934,"date":"2013-07-06T14:09:44","date_gmt":"2013-07-06T14:09:44","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/2013\/07\/06\/capaow-i-o-u-a-fall-capaow-xx-i-miss\/"},"modified":"2018-10-15T08:20:05","modified_gmt":"2018-10-15T08:20:05","slug":"capaow-i-o-u-a-fall-capaow-xx-i-miss","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/2013\/07\/06\/capaow-i-o-u-a-fall-capaow-xx-i-miss\/","title":{"rendered":""},"content":{"rendered":"<div id='gallery-1' class='gallery galleryid-269934 gallery-columns-3 gallery-size-thumbnail'><figure class='gallery-item'>\n\t\t\t<div class='gallery-icon portrait'>\n\t\t\t\t<a href='https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/2013\/07\/06\/capaow-i-o-u-a-fall-capaow-xx-i-miss\/attachment\/269935\/'><img width=\"150\" height=\"150\" src=\"https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/07\/tumblr_m9c103gM8t1qzka3do1_1280-150x150.jpg\" class=\"attachment-thumbnail size-thumbnail\" alt=\"\" loading=\"lazy\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/07\/tumblr_m9c103gM8t1qzka3do1_1280-150x150.jpg 150w, https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/07\/tumblr_m9c103gM8t1qzka3do1_1280-100x100.jpg 100w\" sizes=\"100vw\" \/><\/a>\n\t\t\t<\/div><\/figure><figure class='gallery-item'>\n\t\t\t<div class='gallery-icon portrait'>\n\t\t\t\t<a href='https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/2013\/07\/06\/capaow-i-o-u-a-fall-capaow-xx-i-miss\/attachment\/269936\/'><img width=\"150\" height=\"150\" src=\"https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/07\/tumblr_m9c103gM8t1qzka3do2_1280-150x150.jpg\" class=\"attachment-thumbnail size-thumbnail\" alt=\"\" loading=\"lazy\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/07\/tumblr_m9c103gM8t1qzka3do2_1280-150x150.jpg 150w, https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/07\/tumblr_m9c103gM8t1qzka3do2_1280-100x100.jpg 100w\" sizes=\"100vw\" \/><\/a>\n\t\t\t<\/div><\/figure><figure class='gallery-item'>\n\t\t\t<div class='gallery-icon portrait'>\n\t\t\t\t<a href='https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/2013\/07\/06\/capaow-i-o-u-a-fall-capaow-xx-i-miss\/attachment\/269937\/'><img width=\"150\" height=\"150\" src=\"https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/07\/tumblr_m9c103gM8t1qzka3do3_1280-150x150.jpg\" class=\"attachment-thumbnail size-thumbnail\" alt=\"\" loading=\"lazy\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/07\/tumblr_m9c103gM8t1qzka3do3_1280-150x150.jpg 150w, https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/07\/tumblr_m9c103gM8t1qzka3do3_1280-100x100.jpg 100w\" sizes=\"100vw\" \/><\/a>\n\t\t\t<\/div><\/figure>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\n<p><a class=\"tumblr_blog\" href=\"http:\/\/capaow.tumblr.com\/post\/30783382917\" target=\"_blank\">capaow<\/a>:<\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p><a class=\"tumblr_blog\" href=\"http:\/\/i-o-u-a-fall.tumblr.com\/post\/30782744778\/capaow-x-x-i-miss-you-dont-ever-leave-me\" target=\"_blank\">i-o-u-a-fall<\/a>:<\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p><a class=\"tumblr_blog\" href=\"http:\/\/capaow.tumblr.com\/post\/30268213119\" target=\"_blank\">capaow<\/a>:<\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p>(<a href=\"http:\/\/capaow.tumblr.com\/post\/15879858336\" target=\"_blank\">x<\/a>)(<a href=\"http:\/\/capaow.tumblr.com\/post\/30196890638\" target=\"_blank\">x<\/a>)<\/p>\n<p><em>I miss you.<\/em><\/p>\n<p>Don\u2019t ever leave me again.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<p><small>They began sleeping together after Baskerville.<\/small><\/p>\n<p><small>It started with John suffering nightmares (again), then Sherlock joining him (a first), until one night they both woke with a start and mutually sought the other out for comfort and assurance of life. Neither of them spoke ill of the idea of sharing a bed, but neither of them thought it would lead to them curled so intimately close together; John holding Sherlock possessively and Sherlock clinging on. They didn\u2019t complain when it happened a few nights later, then the night after, and the night after, until sharing a bed became the only way either man could sleep.<\/small><\/p>\n<p><small>And Sherlock had been sleeping more and more, John noticed. It worried him, but Sherlock shrugged it off; said the influx of cases, though appreciated and healthy, left him worn. John accepted it without question.<\/small><\/p>\n<p><small>After Sherlock killed himself, he began to wonder if it had been something more.<\/small><\/p>\n<p><small>He was on two anti-depressants and one sleep aide. None of the medications worked. He tossed, he turned, he pawed at the air where Sherlock\u2019s warm form used to lay, he struggled to breathe without a weight on his chest (funny how that worked); he couldn\u2019t sleep and didn\u2019t want to sleep, but passed out anyway and clung to the nightmares where he could see Sherlock\u2019s face just one more time, try to call him down just one more time, tell him he loved him and needed him and God damn I miss you please just come home.<\/small><\/p>\n<p><small>He would awaken with a start, grip the spot where Sherlock\u2019s arm used to be &#8211; the once-present, soft pulse which used to lull him off to dreamless slumber &#8211; and would grip his shirt, inhale a trembling breath (the air smelled like illness and sorrow and not like Sherlock\u2019s too-expensive shampoo in his mop of curls tucked under John\u2019s chin), and try, try, <em>try\u00a0<\/em>to piece together what went wrong.<\/small><\/p>\n<p><small>He never fully could. There was a reason for that, which he would find out two years down the line on a stormy night when Sherlock Holmes came through the front door, bloodied and bruised and skinny and pale and <em>alive<\/em>.<\/small><\/p>\n<p><small>A lie. It had all been a lie. One which saved his life, yes, but the endless nights of pining for scent and warmth and pulse and Sherlock were a waste. He told himself they would sleep apart because he was so angry and conflicted with Sherlock\u2019s return. It didn\u2019t matter what they began to have years ago; didn\u2019t matter how much they missed each other. He was hurt, he was mad, he was stubborn and wanted everything to be okay. He thought Sherlock coming back would be a relief, not a weight.<\/small><\/p>\n<p><small>He tossed. He turned. He sighed. He cried. He laid on his side, an unusual position, and stared out into the darkness where he knew Sherlock could have been. Should have been.<\/small><\/p>\n<p><small>A silhouette in the doorway at half-one in the morning caught his still-conscious eye. He didn\u2019t say a word as Sherlock slowly, hesitantly climbed on the bed, but looked baffled as he posed himself not lying beside and atop John as in days of old, but holding onto him like he was a lifeline. He tangled himself on John; latched onto the warmth of his skin and the security of his presence and didn\u2019t, couldn\u2019t, let go.<\/small><\/p>\n<p><small>Sherlock\u2019s hair didn\u2019t smell like expensive shampoo; it smelled of rain. His skin was no longer warm; it was cold and Sherlock\u2019s thin frame shivered every so often.<\/small><\/p>\n<p><small>Yet, despite all that, his pulse was loud, screaming, making itself known, saying over and \u00a0over again, <em>I am alive and I am home and I am and always have been yours<\/em>.<\/small><\/p>\n<p><small>Maybe that\u2019s why John wrapped himself around Sherlock and damned his anger and upset: because the feeling of his pulse meant Sherlock was alive. Because his nightmares and daydreams could be real. Because he could finally hold him once more.<\/small><\/p>\n<p><small>\u201cDon\u2019t ever leave me again,\u201d he choked out against Sherlock\u2019s neck.<\/small><\/p>\n<p><small>Then, the I love yous and the I missed yous and the sobbing spilled out without restraint, and Sherlock held on the entire time, taking in John\u2019s smell of tea and very vague gun smoke, the warmth of his flesh despite its aged \u00a0pallor, and the sound of the soldier\u2019s heartbeat sounding off like a wardrum in his ears, answering his own.<\/small><\/p>\n<p><small>\u201cNever again,\u201d Sherlock promised. The two words held more mean than most people could decipher. But then and there, in that night of longing and reunited and hurting and healing, John could see every meaning in his reply clear as day.<\/small><\/p>\n<p><small>They fell into familiar, dreamless, shared slumber, tangled together in delicate desperation, as the storm pressed relentlessly on.<\/small><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<p>Oh. My. God. An accompanying fic.<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s so beautiful. I can\u2019t. Let me love you.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>capaow: i-o-u-a-fall: capaow: (x)(x) I miss you. Don\u2019t ever leave me again. They began sleeping together after Baskerville. It started with John suffering nightmares (again), then Sherlock joining him (a first), until one night they both woke with a start and mutually sought the other out for comfort and assurance of life. Neither of them &hellip; <\/p>\n<p class=\"link-more\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/2013\/07\/06\/capaow-i-o-u-a-fall-capaow-xx-i-miss\/\" class=\"more-link\">Continue reading<span class=\"screen-reader-text\"> &#8220;&#8221;<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"gallery","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[129,15],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/269934"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=269934"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/269934\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":269938,"href":"https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/269934\/revisions\/269938"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=269934"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=269934"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=269934"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}