{"id":187109,"date":"2014-10-11T04:13:06","date_gmt":"2014-10-11T04:13:06","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/2014\/10\/11\/ofgeography-peaceontheplanet-replied-to-your\/"},"modified":"2014-10-11T04:13:06","modified_gmt":"2014-10-11T04:13:06","slug":"ofgeography-peaceontheplanet-replied-to-your","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/2014\/10\/11\/ofgeography-peaceontheplanet-replied-to-your\/","title":{"rendered":""},"content":{"rendered":"<p><a class=\"tumblr_blog\" href=\"http:\/\/ofgeography.tumblr.com\/post\/95601911061\/peaceontheplanet-replied-to-your-post-hey-all-so\" target=\"_blank\">ofgeography<\/a>:<\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p><a class=\"tumblelog\" href=\"http:\/\/tmblr.co\/mV_tzNpiUzgkppX62IewhSg\" target=\"_blank\">peaceontheplanet<\/a> replied to your post <a href=\"http:\/\/ofgeography.tumblr.com\/post\/95463319336\/hey-all-so-i-hit-a-frankly-stupid-follower\" target=\"_blank\">\u201chey all! so i hit a frankly stupid follower benchmark this week, and\u2026\u201d<\/a><\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<div>Can you tell me another story? I\u2019m bored out of my mind working for insurance and could use an lol. Hope you\u2019re having an otherwise good day with your stupid follower count \ud83d\ude42<\/div>\n<\/blockquote>\n<p>sure, peaceontheplanet. i mean i can\u2019t promise it\u2019s gonna be as funny as the internet apparently found the porn thing but like, HERE\u2019S A STORY ABOUT THE TIME I GOT MUGGED AT KNIFEPOINT (BUT BY A GENTLEMAN).<\/p>\n<p>so when i was studying in argentina, it was like a thursday, and they were having what\u2019s called a \u201cferia\u201d which is kind a holiday?? in argentina sometimes they decide to CANCEL EVERYTHING, ostensibly to celebrate things like books and students but i suspect really so that nobody has to go to work.<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>argentina gets me.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>ANYWAY, i decided that day to go the gym! this was new and different for me, a person who considers \u201cintense chewing\u201d to be exercise.\u00a0<\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p><img alt=\"image\" src=\"https:\/\/78.media.tumblr.com\/4957565b069525d41bd43b379a73f3f8\/tumblr_inline_nasg9gqhMj1qb7qql.gif\" \/><\/p>\n<p>BIKINI BOD: ON\u00a0<em>TRACK.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<p>so i went to the gym. it went the way that trips to the gym usually do for 5\u20198\u201d girls with severe pigeon toes and a total lack of all motivation.<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>badly.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>as i\u2019m walking home, past the college of dentistry, i was fussing with a lighter that i had in my pocket because i was also, at that time, dealing with my fear of intimacy by smoking. so this guy comes up to me and is like, \u201chey, can i borrow a light?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>here\u2019s a list of things i should have said:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>&ldquo;sorry, no.&rdquo;<\/li>\n<li>&ldquo;ahhhhhh you know what, i would, but i\u2019m super busy right now??? i actually have a dentist\u2019s appointment, as evidenced by this College of Dentistry that i\u2019m standing outside??&rdquo;<\/li>\n<li>&ldquo;NO HABLO ESPA\u00d1OL.&rdquo;<\/li>\n<li>&ldquo;don\u2019t you know that smoking gives you cancer? let\u2019s commit to quitting, right now, to each other. bring it in. go team. together we can.&rdquo;<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>here\u2019s what i did say:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>&ldquo;claro que s\u00ed, amigo.&rdquo;<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>he\u2019s trying to light his cigarette, and his hands are shaking a little? so he can\u2019t. and i\u2019m like, dude, calm down, it\u2019s okay. what is this, your first cigarette or something? lol.<\/p>\n<p>after a few seconds, he kind of goes, \u201cfuck it,\u201d and drops the lighter into his pocket. and i\u2019m like, \u201cexcuse me??? that\u2019s my lighter?? also you didn\u2019t even manage to light your cigarette???\u201d \u00a0but before i can vocalize these protests, he gets rEALLY close to me and pulls out a knife. then he goes, \u201cyou have three seconds.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>what i should have said:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>&ldquo;okay. you can have whatever you want.&rdquo;<\/li>\n<li>&ldquo;here\u2019s my wallet.&rdquo;<\/li>\n<li>&ldquo;wow, what a very sharp-looking knife, in what way can i avoid being stabbed with it today??&rdquo;<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>what i actually said:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>&ldquo;haha, uhhhhh, until what?&rdquo;<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>UNTIL WHAT. \u201cUNTIL WHAT, MR. SIR WITH THE KNIFE? LIKE, WHAT\u2019S ON THE MENU HERE????\u201d<\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p><img alt=\"image\" src=\"https:\/\/78.media.tumblr.com\/e1110697722d45834b63347ec8a07284\/tumblr_inline_nasguooQRY1qb7qql.gif\" \/><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<p>BUT HE DIDN\u2019T SAY DEATH!!! it turns out that the gentleman attempting to rob me was like, maybe a rookie? it\u2019s possible that he had never robbed anybody at knife-point, before. this as an experience that we were going through together for the first time.<\/p>\n<p>because what he said was: \u201c\u2026.i have a\u00a0<em>knife.<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n<p>i said, \u201cyes. i can see that. it\u2019s very nice.\u201d<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>IN MY DEFENSE: IF YOU ARE GOING TO ROB SOMEONE, THE ONUS IS ON\u00a0<em>YOU<\/em> TO GIVE CLEAR DIRECTIONS.<\/li>\n<li>&ldquo;i have a knife&rdquo;??? come on, buddy. be better prepared. come with a to-do list. practice in a mirror.<\/li>\n<li>&ldquo;then i\u2019m going to pull out the knife and say: give me _____.&rdquo;<\/li>\n<li>clear, concise, quick. that should be your motto, buddy. it is not MY JOB, as the ROBBEE, to read your goddamn mind. I AM NOT DRIVING THIS SHIP. IF YOU ALSO AREN\u2019T DRIVING IT, WE ARE IN TITANIC-LEVEL TROUBLE.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>at this point, clearly realizing that he had gotten in tOO DEEP with this dumbass tourist who didn\u2019t even know how to get robbed properly, he blurted out, \u201cuhhhhh, do you have a phone?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>i did have a phone! i had a broken claro go-phone that i had purchased upon entering the country which had 2 argentine pesos worth of text messages left in it and a inbox message from a boy name juan that said, \u201cyou like me a LOT.\u201d<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>i had responded, \u201cactually, i just like you the normal amount.\u201d<\/li>\n<li>i felt bad about that when i realized that he was trying to say, \u201ci like YOU a lot,\u201d but feelings verbs in spanish are mostly reflexive.<\/li>\n<li>SORRY JUAN.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>i handed the man with the knife my phone. he looked at it. looked back up at me. \u201cr u srs?\u201d his face seemed to say. \u201cthis is what you\u2019re giving me right now? a janky ass claro go-phone that is CLEARLY MISSING THE NUMBER 7 KEY????\u201d<\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p><img alt=\"image\" src=\"https:\/\/78.media.tumblr.com\/fbb4c0780d149bd4ab0898b673656dd5\/tumblr_inline_nashhe6ok91qb7qql.gif\" \/><\/p>\n<p>look, the shoddy workmanship is a source of frustration to you and me BOTH, okay. we\u2019re BOTH victims here.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<p>but the beautiful thing about this story is that HE TOOK IT! he looked at me, looked down at his knife, sighed, and put the phone in his pocket. THEN HE REACHED BACK INTO HIS POCKET AND RETURNED MY LIGHTER TO ME.<\/p>\n<p>we looked at each other.<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>here\u2019s the thing that no one tells you about daylight robbery: there\u2019s like. an afterbeat. <\/li>\n<li>there is a moment in between \u201crobbery-in-progress\u201d and \u201cgoing home to your homestay and explaining that you can\u2019t answer phone calls anymore\u201d where you and your robber have to look at one another and figure out HOW TO WALK AWAY.<\/li>\n<li>listen, friends: in robberies, as everywhere, goodbyes are never easy.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>&ldquo;thank you,&rdquo; he said.<\/p>\n<p>&ldquo;you\u2019re welcome,&rdquo; i answered.<\/p>\n<p>he hesitated. \u201chave a good day,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n<p>&ldquo;\u2026\u2026\u2026\u2026.okay,&rdquo; i answered. &ldquo;you too. enjoy the phone.&rdquo;<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>ENJOY THE PHONE?????<\/li>\n<li>IT WAS BROKEN. IT WAS\u00a0<strong>CLEARLY<\/strong> BROKEN. WE BOTH KNEW THAT NOTHING BUT HEARTACHE WAS GOING TO COME FROM THAT PHONE.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>i think about this a lot, and i wonder if he ever thinks about me. i wonder if he ever thinks, \u201cthat goddamn asshole\u00a0<em>knew<\/em> i was going to have to press the 7 key four hundred times before it registered anything.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>i\u2019m sorry, man with the knife. i panicked. in the heat of the moment, we all say things we don\u2019t mean.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>ofgeography: peaceontheplanet replied to your post \u201chey all! so i hit a frankly stupid follower benchmark this week, and\u2026\u201d Can you tell me another story? I\u2019m bored out of my mind working for insurance and could use an lol. Hope you\u2019re having an otherwise good day with your stupid follower count \ud83d\ude42 sure, peaceontheplanet. i &hellip; <\/p>\n<p class=\"link-more\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/2014\/10\/11\/ofgeography-peaceontheplanet-replied-to-your\/\" class=\"more-link\">Continue reading<span class=\"screen-reader-text\"> &#8220;&#8221;<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[24,4315,4],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/187109"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=187109"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/187109\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=187109"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=187109"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=187109"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}