{"id":160254,"date":"2015-04-07T09:58:19","date_gmt":"2015-04-07T09:58:19","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/2015\/04\/07\/valkyrien-aud-works-elsinore-rose-beauty-and\/"},"modified":"2015-04-07T09:58:19","modified_gmt":"2015-04-07T09:58:19","slug":"valkyrien-aud-works-elsinore-rose-beauty-and","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/2015\/04\/07\/valkyrien-aud-works-elsinore-rose-beauty-and\/","title":{"rendered":""},"content":{"rendered":"

valkyrien<\/a>:<\/p>\n

\n

aud-works<\/a>:<\/p>\n

\n

elsinore-rose<\/a>:<\/p>\n

\n

\u201cbeauty and the beast\u201d where beauty\u2019s dad comes home with the rose and is like oh shit oh shit this terrible monster says i have to come live with him forever because i picked his favorite flower<\/i> and beauty just goes fuck that<\/i>\u00a0and puts on her pants and marches down to the beast\u2019s castle herself<\/p>\n

and she\u2019s expecting this horrifying dark fortress but it\u2019s actually sort of just a normal castle with big rose bushes and furniture that\u2019s sometimes alive<\/p>\n

and she thinks, i can work with this<\/p>\n

and the beast comes out and he\u2019s like\u00a0don\u2019t look at me i am a hideous monster\u00a0<\/i>and beauty\u2019s like dude you\u2019re like a talking tiger in a cape are you kidding you\u2019re AWESOME can i pet you can i stroke your paws can you give me a ride<\/p>\n

and he\u2019s like what and she goes around the castle like okay we\u2019ll put curtains here and expand the kitchen and this could be a really cute breakfast nook<\/p>\n

and the beast is confused because isn\u2019t she supposed to be terrified and hate him and he had all these intimidating speeches planned and he\u2019s like uh aren\u2019t you going to try to run away<\/p>\n

and beauty\u2019s all are you kidding this is a\u00a0magic castle\u00a0<\/i>i\u2019m going to\u00a0live here forever<\/i>
<\/i><\/p>\n

so they just sort of settle in together and one day beauty goes home for the weekend to visit her family and they\u2019re all amazed that she\u2019s alive and her sisters go WHY DIDN\u2019T THE HUGE MONSTER EAT YOU TO DEATH and she\u2019s like nahhh he\u2019s basically just a big cat he\u2019s kind of cute actually sometimes he plays with yarn when he thinks i\u2019m not looking<\/p>\n

and she explains how\u00a0it\u2019s really not that bad, all the dishes wash themselves and i get all these gorgeous dresses for free because the castle doesn\u2019t know what else to do with them and yeah there are flowers everywhere but hey that\u2019s his hobby y\u2019know i\u2019m not gonna discourage that man<\/p>\n

and then one day while beauty\u2019s re-alphabetizing her magic library and trying to decide where to put that enchanted mirror the beast comes up and he\u2019s like hey so this is awkward but are you like\u2026\u2026\u2026\u2026\u2026\u2026\u2026\u2026\u2026\u2026\u2026\u2026..in love with me\u2026\u2026?????????<\/p>\n

and beauty\u2019s like oh uh wow haha um sorry no you\u2019re\u2026sort of a tiger<\/p>\n

and the beast is like\u00a0thank goodness\u00a0<\/i>because if you were i\u2019d have to turn back into a human and i\u2019ve\u00a0kind of gotten used to\u00a0<\/i>being a big lion thing with horns and the ability to speak english for some reason <\/i>like\u00a0why would i want to go back to being a spindly little man\u00a0<\/i>and then beauty laughs and she\u2019s like okay well can you go catch us a wild boar for dinner, dear<\/p>\n

and they end up getting married in the end just because it\u2019s easier to explain that way, you know, a single lady ~~living alone with a man~~ even if he\u2019s not actually a man, and that\u2019s fine with them because beauty was never really into the whole boys and sex thing and the beast (whose name is jeff) is honestly more interested in his flowers<\/p>\n

and whenever any of the other ladies in the village give her any shit beauty is just like, oh, you don\u2019t like my crepes? well you know my husband, who is\u00a0<\/i>literally a tiger,<\/i>\u00a0loves them\u00a0<\/i>and then everyone leaves her alone, which is really all she ever wanted<\/p>\n

and she goes back to her magic castle and sits down with a book in front of the fire and rests her feet on her cat husband and nobody bothers her ever again<\/p>\n

can that happen<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

\"image\" 8D\n<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

The modern B&B – for all those who wish their cats were huge, sentient, and marriageable.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

valkyrien: aud-works: elsinore-rose: \u201cbeauty and the beast\u201d where beauty\u2019s dad comes home with the rose and is like oh shit oh shit this terrible monster says i have to come live with him forever because i picked his favorite flower and beauty just goes fuck that\u00a0and puts on her pants and marches down to the … <\/p>\n

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