{"id":159210,"date":"2015-04-14T08:23:11","date_gmt":"2015-04-14T08:23:11","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/2015\/04\/14\/when-youre-depressed-and-needy-love-doesnt-save\/"},"modified":"2015-04-14T08:23:11","modified_gmt":"2015-04-14T08:23:11","slug":"when-youre-depressed-and-needy-love-doesnt-save","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/2015\/04\/14\/when-youre-depressed-and-needy-love-doesnt-save\/","title":{"rendered":""},"content":{"rendered":"
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When you\u2019re depressed and needy, love doesn\u2019t save you; it buries you. Unless you happen upon someone who understands you and loves parsing your emotional landscape (guys like that do exist!), you\u2019re not going to get what you need[\u2026] Contrary to popular belief, you do not have to dig into the deepest darkest depths of your soul to find yourself. If you\u2019re depressed, if you\u2019re lonely, if you\u2019re lost, maybe digging deep isn\u2019t the first and only thing to try. Maybe you\u2019re already doing too much of that[\u2026]\u00a0You can focus outside yourself. You can resolve to listen to the 40 best rap albums of 2014 (according to Rolling Stone, anyway), like I\u2019m doing right now. You can paint the walls of your apartment pumpkin orange. You can train for a marathon. You can write two pages a day. You can teach yourself Italian. You can do every one of these things at once. These are not arbitrary boudoir tricks you acquire in order to win a man. These challenges are a way through, to a different life. If you only win his love this way, you haven\u2019t done enough. You need to set your sights on a life that\u2019s bigger than him. That\u2019s not \u201cLearn to love yourself so he\u2019ll love you too.\u201d That\u2019s not even \u201cLearn to love yourself, period. Pull back from him and love yourself.\u201d See how he\u2019s still in the picture?<\/p>\n

You need to identify WHAT IS BIGGER THAN HIM[\u2026] Think like a beast, like a mountain, like a towering, essential, unimpeachable warrior. You are taking what you want, you are fulfilling your manifest destiny, you are at the center of the frame, you\u2019re pulling in all of the focus, swallowing the landscape like an earthquake[\u2026] Think like a merciless visionary. Buy a sewing machine and learn to sew. Buy a French cookbook and learn to cook. Buy the complete Six Feet Under series and start from the beginning. Read everything by Wallace Stegner, Jennifer Egan, and Renata Adler. It will feel arbitrary. Do it anyway.\u00a0If you feel too sad to do these things, exercise first. If that doesn\u2019t work, see a therapist. Consider less coffee. Consider how depressed you\u2019ve been all your life, and how anxious. Consider waking up and forcing yourself to think I AM BEAUTIFUL. TODAY IS MY CHANCE TO GROW. If that doesn\u2019t work, do something else. Look for more answers.<\/p>\n

DO NOT SETTLE FOR SAD. DO NOT SETTLE FOR A SOGGY LIFE. Keep trying. Make adjustments. Keep doing new things. You will find who you are. Stop looking at him and stop looking in the mirror[\u2026] I have a giant bin of journals that are just like the one I quoted. All of those journals look like wasted fucking time, but they led me here. I should\u2019ve been reading more great books. I should\u2019ve learned another language. I should\u2019ve formed closer friendships when I was younger, instead of drinking too much. But I was doing something all along. I kept writing, to survive, and then one day I woke up and I thought like a merciless visionary, I thought like a conquistador, I thought like Wonder Woman with brass knuckles. Not every single day, of course, and not everyone loves me, no way. But I am my own rickety-ass invention, and every day I try to find my swagger all over again. I know how to find it most days. I don\u2019t always look inward to find myself. Sometimes I just put on Vince Staples\u2019s \u201cBlue Suede.\u201d Sometimes I just drink an extra cup of tea and do a dance and think about how good it is to stand tall, to be a monster instead of a dull girl, to not have to ask or apologize just for existing anymore.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

Ask Polly<\/a> (via nogreatillusion<\/a>)<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

When you\u2019re depressed and needy, love doesn\u2019t save you; it buries you. Unless you happen upon someone who understands you and loves parsing your emotional landscape (guys like that do exist!), you\u2019re not going to get what you need[\u2026] Contrary to popular belief, you do not have to dig into the deepest darkest depths of … <\/p>\n

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