{"id":115110,"date":"2016-02-06T05:59:24","date_gmt":"2016-02-06T05:59:24","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/2016\/02\/06\/jemthecrystalgem-seimsisk\/"},"modified":"2016-02-06T05:59:24","modified_gmt":"2016-02-06T05:59:24","slug":"jemthecrystalgem-seimsisk","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/2016\/02\/06\/jemthecrystalgem-seimsisk\/","title":{"rendered":""},"content":{"rendered":"

jemthecrystalgem<\/a>:<\/p>\n

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seimsisk<\/a>:<\/p>\n

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goldenheartedrose<\/a>:<\/p>\n

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reaverbait<\/a>:<\/p>\n

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goldenheartedrose<\/a>:<\/p>\n

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withthesecinderedbones<\/a>:<\/p>\n

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zombiecazz<\/a>:<\/p>\n

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hencegoodfortune<\/a>:<\/p>\n

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a-singer-of-songs<\/a>:<\/p>\n

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i-will-not-be-caged<\/a>:<\/p>\n

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bmwiid<\/a>:<\/p>\n

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drst<\/a>:<\/p>\n

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brutereason<\/a>:<\/p>\n

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I had a realization the other day that seems obvious in retrospect, but I hadn\u2019t put these two things together before. <\/p>\n

I was telling my mom that I\u2019m kind of dreading having a private practice someday because it\u2019ll mean working lots of late nights to accommodate my clients\u2019 schedules and make enough money, and as I know from working 12-8 last year, that\u2019ll wreck my social life. She was like, \u201cSo you\u2019ll have a social life on the weekends.\u201d And I\u2019m like, and what, spend every weekday night alone in my apartment because it\u2019s too late to go out and see people? She gave me this knowing look and was like, \u201cWell, hopefully you won\u2019t be *alone*\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

That\u2019s when it hit me that this thing\u2013this whole monogamous couple\/nuclear family ideal thing\u2013directly enables work to take over our entire lives. Because, yes, if I had someone living in my house\u2013in my bedroom, even\u2013who prioritizes me higher than anyone else in his (because, let\u2019s face it, it would always be a he in this scenario) life, who doesn\u2019t sleep with or date any other people, who treats his free time as our shared time, who drops plans with friends or family the moment I need him, who convincingly promises to never leave me\u2013if I had someone like that, and if I believed in that fantasy, then yes, I\u2019d be fine working late every night and coming home at 9. I could see my friends on weekends sometimes, but I wouldn\u2019t *need* to because I\u2019d never be lonely or bored. <\/p>\n

Because however you look at it, cultivating and maintaining a group of friends and a broader social circle or community takes more effort\u2013especially more *intentional* effort\u2013than cultivating just one person with whom you share your life. When we have to work unreasonable hours just to get by, guess which one\u2019s more likely to fall by the wayside? <\/p>\n

No wonder it feels like my like-minded friends and I are constantly wading through waist-deep snowdrifts. It\u2019s not set up to work the way we want it to. Yes, life would be easier if I had someone who is always a few yards (or less) away from me when we\u2019re not at work and who can provide romance, friendship, emotional support, entertainment, household help, financial assistance, AND hot sex (and maybe eventually co-parenting) without me ever needing to seek out other people or even leave the house. But that\u2019s\u2026horrifying.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

Remember that the nuclear family ideal (husband\/wife\/child as the entire family unit) is an aberration of the 20th century. Everyone else in the world for almost all of human history has lived in large groups, either tribes or extended families, usually a blend of both. When a woman married she joined her husband\u2019s family, or he joined hers, but humans have generally always lived in large groups with multiple generations sharing space for all of our history. <\/p>\n

Our western experiment with making two people entirely dependent on each other for all of the emotional support normal people get from a large extended family group is part of the reason we\u2019ve got a high divorce rate. One person isn\u2019t enough to sustain another entirely. <\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

I think as well, this is why so many single people (like me!) get so damn LONELY.\u00a0<\/p>\n

I recently bought a house (by myself) and I pay all the bills, buy all the food, ect, because it\u2019s just me that lives here.\u00a0<\/p>\n

And at night, I\u2019m so fucking LONELY. My coupled friends don\u2019t get it, they want some peace and quiet to get away from the kids, or the hubby – and when I say\u00a0\u201cI\u2019m so bored\u201d they don\u2019t get it.\u00a0<\/p>\n

My ONLY FACE-TO-FACE interaction is at work.\u00a0<\/p>\n

That\u2019s it. If I don\u2019t make the effort to go out at weekends, I see no one.<\/p>\n

Sure, I can talk to people on the phone, and I have online friends\u2026 but you know, I don\u2019t remember the last time I got a hug?<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

Yup. I went to a coworker who I\u2019m close to the other day and asked for a hug because I couldn\u2019t remember the last time I touched another human being. Dog cuddles can only take me so far.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

Holy shit, it\u2019s what I\u2019ve been saying the whole time. \u00a0I\u2019m super introverted, but I \/need\/ people around me. \u00a0I will go to coffee shops just to talk to the barista and hear people around me, because I get so lonely. \u00a0I routinely turn into a clingy, touchy-feely person when I\u2019m home because that is the only place I get hugs. \u00a0Do you know how many times I have become just\u2026 absolutely depressed and unhappy, just because I want a fucking hug and there\u2019s no one to hug? \u00a0There was this admin assistant when I started here and she and I talked a lot and I\u2019d go by her office just to say hi, and she would always, ALWAYS give me a hug. \u00a0And then she left, and now I don\u2019t get hugs. \u00a0Which maybe seems like a weird thing to be upset about, but I am, routinely.<\/p>\n

People ask me how I put up with having a roommate all the time, and why I don\u2019t just live by myself rather than playing roommate roulette and maybe getting a bad roommate (hasn\u2019t happened so far, though). \u00a0It\u2019s because I go CRAZY when I live alone. \u00a0Sure, having the cats around helps, but I seriously DO NOT deal well living by myself. \u00a0I\u2019ve tried it, and I can handle it for about three weeks to a month, but after that it starts to really wear on me, especially if I\u2019m dealing with a lot of stress or something at school\/work. \u00a0I often joke that I don\u2019t care if I ever get married, but I would be super psyched if someone I really liked (or multiple someones, even better) and got along with wanted to be roommates forever and ever so at least I\u2019d know I wouldn\u2019t be alone.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

Right, this. Positive social contact, including friendly touch, is a thing that most-to-all humans very much need. I\u2019m both pretty solitary and pretty good at keeping my chin up even when things aren\u2019t ideal, but when I look back at my life the unhappiest part of it by far was the part where I was most isolated. And I\u2019ve never even had to deal with living alone, so who knows how I\u2019d handle that.<\/p>\n

And, honestly, that expectation \u2013 on a societal level! \u2013 that everyone will find one person and basically build a life around them and only them\u2026like OP said, I find that pretty horrifying. Especially when the dominant socially acceptable alternative is the aforementioned intense loneliness. Good grief.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

So to summarise – working full time long hours plays havoc with having a social life.<\/p>\n

We need a social life or we get sick and lonely.<\/p>\n

Therefore we should stop working long hours and use our free time to cultivate friendships.<\/p>\n

Sound freaking excellent idea to me.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

If we actually had enough space for all of us I\u2019ve said more than once that I could live with my siblings forever. Right now there\u2019s five people and two emotionally best cats living in our three bedroom house so it\u2019s not great.<\/p>\n

But with enough room? Sign me up<\/p>\n

My sister and her best friend lived next door to each other in their apartment building for a few years and it was great for them. A few nights a week they\u2019d make dinner together or go out and do something. They watched certain shows together, splitting the cost of cable so it was actually affordable. The rest of the time they had their own space and could hang out with their boyfriends whenever. Even their cats went back and forth between the apartments.<\/p>\n

Tl;dr I could happily live in the same apartment building with a few of my friends forever.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

@prosthetical<\/a> and I have continually been talking about a very similar arrangement for years now.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

Okay but can someone explain why a private practice would mean working late?
Every GP here is shut at 5pm\u2026 Like every other business.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

There\u2019s nothing in the op that indicates they\u2019re going to be a gp. Based on the op\u2019s blog, I wonder if they\u2019re studying psychology and they did mention they were trying to accommodate their client\u2019s schedules. I know several counselors I\u2019ve seen who were open past 7pm etc.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

Even though I never lived alone (I wouldn\u2019t even know how) I still feel the need to see some of my closest friends even on weekdays. Seeing my housemates and lovers just isn\u2019t enough. So I always had these kinds of friendships where you sometimes sleep on your friend\u2019s house. Like I return from class at 11pm, call my friend and ask if I could come over. Or they come over. We eat, watch something, talk, sleep, go to work\/class the next day. I did this as a kid and just never stopped doing it. Having no social life on weekdays, even if you\u2019re practically married as I am, is terrible. Weekends are just not long enough for you to both rest and cultivate meaningful friendships.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

What\u2019s with the western ideal of isolation?<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

When my hubby was deployed in Iraq the one thing he said he missed most of all was just hugs.<\/p>\n

Similarly, I complained to one of my friends that I missed hugs and she looked at me a little dumbfounded. But I don’t have kids, so with a deployed spouse it was literally just me.<\/p>\n

After that she made a point of hugging me every time she saw me and encouraged her kids to do the same. It helped a lot.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

jemthecrystalgem: seimsisk: goldenheartedrose: reaverbait: goldenheartedrose: withthesecinderedbones: zombiecazz: hencegoodfortune: a-singer-of-songs: i-will-not-be-caged: bmwiid: drst: brutereason: I had a realization the other day that seems obvious in retrospect, but I hadn\u2019t put these two things together before. I was telling my mom that I\u2019m kind of dreading having a private practice someday because it\u2019ll mean working lots of … <\/p>\n

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