{"id":108586,"date":"2016-03-23T15:33:28","date_gmt":"2016-03-23T15:33:28","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/2016\/03\/23\/cat-cat-cat-purim-is-coming-up-soon-can-you-tell\/"},"modified":"2016-03-23T15:33:28","modified_gmt":"2016-03-23T15:33:28","slug":"cat-cat-cat-purim-is-coming-up-soon-can-you-tell","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/2016\/03\/23\/cat-cat-cat-purim-is-coming-up-soon-can-you-tell\/","title":{"rendered":"Cat Cat Cat! Purim is coming up soon. Can you tell us the Purim story, with swears?"},"content":{"rendered":"

callmebliss <\/a>:<\/p>\n

\n

swanjolras-archive<\/a>:<\/p>\n

\n

oh my god, is this my thing now. OKAY, fair warning, this one\u2019s gonna be\u2026 real long.<\/p>\n

OKAY SO LIKE. way back in the waybackwhen, we\u2019ve been kicked outta judea for the\u2026 first? second? first time. (we got kicked out of israel\/judea a\u2026 few times. we got kicked out of spain twice, we got kicked out of the netherlands three times, we got kicked out of france and<\/i>\u00a0bavaria five times, we got kicked out of mainz in particular<\/i>\u00a0four times<\/p>\n

god bless the gentiles honestly they\u2019re god\u2019s appointed travel agency. ANYWAY)<\/p>\n

so we\u2019re in persia. and we\u2019re under the rule of king ahasueare\u2013 king ahahasay\u2013 king ahasueueueueue-<\/p>\n

KING AHASARARUARAUAEREASS, who is having a Party<\/p>\n

and king ahdahahaah has a wife, vashti, who is among the hottest women in the whole country. like. picture michelle obama crossed with robin wright. sort of like a 40-year-old raven symone. are you picturing it? good. king ashashsasd isn\u2019t. cos she\u2019s hiding in her room<\/p>\n

king aheshhh, who is quite drunk at this point, is like VASHTI. VASHTI I WANT YOU TO COME OUT AND HAVE FUN AT THIS PARTY. I WANT YOU TO COME OUT AND HAVE FUN AND WEAR YOUR CROWN<\/p>\n

vashti is like ughhhhhhhh FINE<\/p>\n

king aaaaaaahhahaha is like \u2026ONLY YOUR CROWN<\/p>\n

vashti is like \u2026not fine<\/p>\n

so<\/i>, because this is ancient persia and men are terrible, vashti is promptly divorced and king aughjesus decides to hold the Country\u2019s Biggest Beauty Contest, where the Most Beautiful Women in Persia will all audition to be his wife!!! (I TOLD YOU MEN WERE TERRIBLE<\/i>)<\/p>\n

BUT. WAITAMINUTE. PAN OVER PERSIA AND IN ON<\/p>\n

haman, a smug motherfucker with a three-pointed hat, size 7, and a zero-pointed ego, size 300; a councillor for the king. haman, because ancient persia does not have any kind of government that could reasonably be labeled\u00a0\u201csensible\u201d, writes and institutes a law that says Everyone In This Country Must Bow Down To Me When I Pass, because Reasons.<\/p>\n

BUT, guess who does not bow down to people, you guessed right, it is the jews<\/i>. chiefly and specifically in this instance an equally<\/i> smug (but much less powerful) motherfucker by the name of mordecai.<\/p>\n

haman passes mordecai, is like\u00a0\u201cyou don\u2019t look like you\u2019re bowing??? that is not a bow shape??? exPLAIN.\u201d mordecai is like\u00a0\u201cr u god? i don\u2019t think yr god? i think god would have better taste in hats? so\u201d<\/p>\n

and haman is IRKED but THEN mordecai overhears two courtiers having a conversation that goes something along the lines of:<\/p>\n

COURTIER ONE: i am going to kill the king<\/p>\n

COURTIER TWO: wow, what a coincidence, so am i<\/p>\n

COURTIER ONE: lots of killing. like. a bunch. so much of the being killed is going to happen<\/p>\n

COURTIER TWO: great plan.<\/p>\n

and mordecai is like, well. that\u2019s not good, but also\u2026 that\u2019s good\u2026 because i\u2019m gonna go and. tell the king. that\u2019s a thing i\u2019m gonna do, right now, and the king is like SHIT!!! THAT SOUNDS IMPORTANT, SOMEONE GO KILL THOSE DUDES, and those dudes are gone killed<\/p>\n

and the king goes to haman, our motherfucker with the terrible hat, and goes\u00a0\u201ctheoretically, my bro. if there was a dude so fab you had to honor him, like, the most. how would you do that thing\u201d and haman\u2019s like\u00a0\u201cah! this theoretical person! definitely not me<\/i>! i would, theoretically, give that person a fuckton of money<\/i>\u00a0and also fancy clothes and also tell the kingdom\u00a0that they were the best in persia. that is what i would do for mys- for them.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGREAT\u201d says the king.\u00a0\u201cOKAY GO AND DO THAT FOR MORDECAI SG? SG\u201d<\/p>\n

\u2026anyway haman is plotting like a motherfucker<\/i>, which he is, and mordecai is mad afraid, but there is no time for plotting or fear because guess what\u00a0it\u2019s beauty contest time, motherfuckers<\/i><\/p>\n

and guess who mordecai has enrolled in it, it is HIS NIECE, ESTHER<\/p>\n

esther is hotter than vashti, but, like, in a chiller way. in my head, samira wiley. (in my head, esther is a lesbian. in my head esther is my girlfriend. right. ANYWAY)<\/p>\n

king ahooleyhoo immediately picks esther, as she is the Most Beautiful Woman In A Ten Thousand Mile Radius (as are all jews OBVIOUSLY), and she is taken up into the palace to be the most beautiful and powerful<\/i>\u00a0woman in a ten thousand mile radius. and she is also mad smart<\/i>, so<\/p>\n

what does a mad smart woman do? a mad smart woman does not tell her new husband, the king of the persians, that she is jewish. that is a smart move.<\/p>\n

meanwhile haman has finished his Plotting and has resulted in this: he is going to get revenge against mordecai by Killing All The Jews.<\/p>\n

\u201coh yeah,\u201d say the jews.\u00a0\u201creal original.\u201d<\/p>\n

meanwhile esther is wandering around in king asdfasdfasdf\u2019s palace, where there is literally no kosher food, because the only people who could order kosher food prepares specially would be a) the king (who does not know she is a jew) or b) haman (who is a motherfucker).<\/p>\n

so esther\u2019s eating seeds and nuts and gettin increasingly hungry and increasingly irritated and eventually she\u2019s like, HUSBAND DARLING, CAN I SEE MY UNCLE; the king says yes, upon which mordecai is like ESTHER? ESTHER HAMAN IS PLOTTING TO KILL US ALL. ALL THE JEWS. DO SOMETHING<\/p>\n

esther is like, i have a solution to this. the solution involves getting naked.<\/p>\n

so she holds a banquet for her husband the king, and at the banquet is like WOW\u2026 GOSH\u2026 I\u2019M VERY NAKED\u2026 AT THIS BEAUTIFUL BANQUET WITH KEGSTANDS. WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE A LOT OF SEX AND GOOD FOOD, DARLING HUSBAND<\/p>\n

darling husband is like fuck yes, gets drunk as shit. esther is like okay. yes. now that you are full of good food and heavily sexed up, can i have a thing. can that thing be that you vow to protect me from anyone who wants to kill me<\/p>\n

\u2026sure, says king aheshehaara. i mean. as things to ask for go. that went<\/p>\n

great, says esther. havin a banquet tomorrow night too. be there or be square<\/p>\n

king ajldfghfdghk;dfghufgsdoi has no desire to be square, so he comes to the banquet tomorrow night to find that esther has also invited\u2026 HAMAN?\u00a0\u201cwell,\u201d he thinks to himself,\u00a0\u201ci have never pictured this threesome before, but y\u2019know what, life is a rich tapestry\u201d<\/p>\n

but they are eating? and not sexing? and eventually esther goes\u00a0\u201cah okay remember that promise to protect me from anyone who would kill me. what if i told you. i knew a dude who would do that thing\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI WOULD SUPER KILL THAT DUDE,\u201d says king ahassafrass, who has exactly 2 problem-solving methods<\/p>\n

\u201cgreat,\u201d says esther.\u00a0\u201cwhat if i told you\u2026 THIS IS THE DUDE\u201d<\/p>\n

!!!!! says king ahahahahhfewsse.<\/p>\n

!!!!!! says esther.<\/p>\n

\u00a1\u00a1\u00a1\u00a1\u00a1\u00a1\u00a1\u00a1\u00a1\u00a1\u00a1 says haman.<\/p>\n

so esther REVEALS SHE IS A JEW! and that haman is implicitly PLOTTING TO KILL HER! (\u201ci didn\u2019t\u2013 I WAS NOT AWARE,\u201d says haman.\u00a0\u201cWELL MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE FUCKING CHECKED THEN,\u201d says esther. \u201cOR WAIT. ANOTHER SOLUTION. IT\u2019S DAWNING ON ME. AN EPIPHANY. YOU COULD TRY NOT KILLING PEOPLE\u201d)<\/p>\n

and the king has haman hanged on the gallows on which he was planning to hang all the jews<\/i>. and guess who is instituted as councillor in his place, that\u2019s right, IT\u2019S MORDECAI<\/p>\n

who declares that the anniversary of Us Not Being Dead shall be celebrated every year forever with dressing up in costumes, and also that we shall eat little cookies shaped like haman\u2019s hat, and also that whenever haman\u2019s name is mentioned we will yell like hell<\/p>\n

hey, says king aharseadslic. could, theoretically, this holiday include getting so drunk you can\u2019t tell the difference between mordecai and haman<\/p>\n

\u2026i guess so, says mordecai<\/p>\n

right, says king ahasuerus. carry on, haman<\/p>\n

AND SO WE CONTINUE THESE TRADITIONS OF EATING COOKIES, WEARING COSTUMES, AND GETTIN SLOSHED, even SCATTERED ACROSS THE WORLD; and yes, i will<\/i>\u00a0be spending my thursday gettin drunk on my way to rome<\/p>\n

so pour yrself a whiskey, put on a fake beard, and raise a glass: it\u2019s purim 5776, and guess what, motherfuckers?\u00a0<\/p>\n

you still ain\u2019t managed to kill us yet.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

@linlori<\/a> pls enjoy\/confirm<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

callmebliss : swanjolras-archive: oh my god, is this my thing now. OKAY, fair warning, this one\u2019s gonna be\u2026 real long. OKAY SO LIKE. way back in the waybackwhen, we\u2019ve been kicked outta judea for the\u2026 first? second? first time. (we got kicked out of israel\/judea a\u2026 few times. we got kicked out of spain twice, … <\/p>\n

Continue reading “Cat Cat Cat! Purim is coming up soon. Can you tell us the Purim story, with swears?”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[8548,13292],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/108586"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=108586"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/108586\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=108586"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=108586"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=108586"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}