{"id":107922,"date":"2016-03-28T06:48:04","date_gmt":"2016-03-28T06:48:04","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/2016\/03\/28\/spitandvinegar-ok-so-we-all-know-that-the\/"},"modified":"2016-03-28T06:48:04","modified_gmt":"2016-03-28T06:48:04","slug":"spitandvinegar-ok-so-we-all-know-that-the","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/2016\/03\/28\/spitandvinegar-ok-so-we-all-know-that-the\/","title":{"rendered":""},"content":{"rendered":"

spitandvinegar<\/a>:<\/p>\n

\n

\nOk so we all know that the answer to \u201cWhere did Captain America learn to
\n steal a car?\u201d is \u201cNazi Germany\u201d but I think the more pressing question
\nhere is when the fuck did this complete maniac get a driver\u2019s license<\/i><\/p>\n

Because ok, Mighty Mouse 1.0 is too poor to own a car, too short to
\nreach the pedals, has vision problems<\/i>, and is a goddamn New Yorker in the motherfucking 1930s<\/i>, why on earth <\/i>would he ever have learned to drive?<\/p>\n

So this little bastard can\u2019t even tell the gas from the brakes, he gets
\nall beefified, he goes on tour with the USO. Unless one of the showgirls
\n coached him through stalling out a car all over some Hollywood back
\nlot, he still can\u2019t drive. He goes to Europe. At some point, some genius
\n looks at him and thinks \u201cthis strapping specimen of American hunkhood
\nobviously knows his way around a vehicle, let\u2019s give him a motorcycle,\u201d
\nand Steve \u201cno parachute\u201d Rogers is like \u201chow hard could this be?\u201d and
\npromptly wraps himself around approximately eight trees at the same time.<\/p>\n

So then he\u2019s kickin\u2019 ass, fightin\u2019 Hydra, and it\u2019s just months of Bucky being like
\n\u201cgive me the goddamn keys, Steven,\u201d and Dum Dum and Morita endlessly
\nencouraging his fucking insane Fury Road bullshit, like the Howling Commandos just use \u201cgrenade\u201d as code for \u201cRogers\u201d when they\u2019re reporting
\n why yet another truck has been destroyed beyond recognition. Yes, sir, another grenade, I agree, sir, it\u2019s very odd that we keep losing vehicles in the same way, that\u2019s the third this month alone<\/i><\/p>\n

So then he\u2019s in the future and SHIELD is sorting his shit out, and
\nthey\u2019re not going to force Captain goddamn America to wait in line at
\nthe DMV<\/i>, they\u2019re all in complete awe in him and they\u2019ve seen the old
\nreels of him on his bike, so when they issue him his driver\u2019s license without any type of road test
\nthey go ahead and give him a motorcycle license too<\/p>\n

and steve is like \u2026neat<\/i>.<\/p>\n

\nOk so then Bucky is back, shit is settled down, everyone\u2019s heading
\nsomewhere and Steve gets in the driver\u2019s seat and Buck\u2019s like WHOA WHOA
\nWHOA are you people out of your goddamn minds<\/i>?! Why is Steve driving, is
\n this some kind of mission, are we heading into a combat zone, is the
\nplan for the vehicle to get blown up<\/i>?? GIVE ME THE GODDAMN KEYS STEVEN<\/p>\n

And Sam is all \u201cwhat are you talking about, Steve\u2019s a great driver, I saw him jump his bike over a car once\u201d<\/p>\n

And Buck is all \u201cyes but have you seen him use a turn signal<\/i>?\u201d<\/p>\n

And Steve\u2019s like, \u201cListen, we never needed to \u2018signal\u2019 our \u2018turns\u2019 in Nazi Germany<\/i>.\u201d<\/p>\n

And after that Bucky always drives.<\/p>\n

Fin.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

spitandvinegar: Ok so we all know that the answer to \u201cWhere did Captain America learn to steal a car?\u201d is \u201cNazi Germany\u201d but I think the more pressing question here is when the fuck did this complete maniac get a driver\u2019s license Because ok, Mighty Mouse 1.0 is too poor to own a car, too … <\/p>\n

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