{"id":101403,"date":"2016-05-12T21:52:21","date_gmt":"2016-05-12T21:52:21","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/2016\/05\/12\/steverogersorbust-you-know-sometimes-i-think\/"},"modified":"2016-05-12T21:52:21","modified_gmt":"2016-05-12T21:52:21","slug":"steverogersorbust-you-know-sometimes-i-think","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.merindab.com\/private\/2016\/05\/12\/steverogersorbust-you-know-sometimes-i-think\/","title":{"rendered":""},"content":{"rendered":"

steverogersorbust<\/a>:<\/p>\n

\n

you know. sometimes i think. in the face of tony\u2019s obvious trauma and ptsd. in the face of the more obvious pain that bucky has suffered. we forget that steve\u2019s motivation in the film isn\u2019t just his tendency to hold stubbornly fast to his ideals, to do what he <\/i>feels is right and damn the rest.\u00a0<\/p>\n

steve\u2019s hurting too.<\/p>\n

like. guys. we are so ready to give weight to tony\u2019s emotional boiling over point at the end of the film, to say\u00a0\u201cthis is why he tried to kill bucky, and it\u2019s not right but it\u2019s understandable.\u201d we are so ready to acknowledge the fact that bucky was a victim and motivated to run by his fear of further persecution and hurt from nefarious forces. what about steve, though? when do we acknowledge that steve\u2019s not just acting with righteous arrogance, but a deep anger, isolation, fear, loneliness, sadness, and hope?<\/p>\n

steve died<\/i>. like, his last memory before waking up seventy years in the future<\/i>\u00a0is a few days after watching his best friend fall from a train and he was unable to stop it<\/i>\u00a0he willingly flies a plane into the fucking Arctic, ostensibly to his death.<\/i><\/p>\n

guys. guys. tony was fucked up for years because of untreated ptsd after falling from space and thinking he was dead. why is it so hard to remember that steve probably is fucked up, too?\u00a0<\/p>\n

this dude, he wakes up seventy years in the future<\/i>\u00a0and he has to make his way without really anyone or anything familiar, and the only person who is familiar is suffering from memory loss, and he\u2019s now operating under the thumb of shadowy organization that he\u2019s not 100 percent does good things and that continuously lies to him. there\u2019s no war to fight, but that\u2019s all this body is good for. it\u2019s all he knows.\u00a0<\/p>\n

he doesn\u2019t know what makes him happy. <\/i>guys.<\/p>\n

and so he goes through another trauma when he discovers this villain who is trying to kill him <\/i>is in fact the dead best friend who\u2014surprise!\u2014was actually captured after falling and losing an arm and his brains were scrambled to turn him into a murder assassin.<\/i>\u00a0we know for a fact steve feels tremendous guilt over this. but imagine beyond guilt, the sorrow, the nightmarish possibilities, that are turning over in steve\u2019s head. the idea of what his friend suffered. remember when rhodey fell from the sky and tony blasted sam in the chest? imagine the anger<\/i>\u00a0in steve\u2019s heart at the idea of what bucky\u2019s suffered and the unwillingness to let that go unchecked and unsaved.<\/p>\n

oh, plus. that shadowy organization he\u2019s been fighting for? the people he\u2019s been taking orders from? the top dog in the neat little hierarchy that\u2019s arranged his world? yeah. hydra. everything steve has known turns upside down.<\/i>\u00a0he can\u2019t trust anything. imagine the paranoia. the suspicion. imagine the fear that must take seed at that betrayal.<\/p>\n

and then! of course, then he begins fighting these battles with the avengers where the collateral damage is on such a bigger scale than it was at war. where there are aliens. aliens<\/i>, you guys. and he\u2019s tasked with leading this motley crew of superheroes in a world he\u2019s still getting used to and people die, lots of people die<\/i>, and we know that even if it doesnt visibly affect him like it affects tony (who always seems shocked when he\u2019s confronted with loss, because it\u2019s presented to him on a personal, individual level) it does<\/i> affect him. that steve feels the guilt of lives lost. imagine that burden. imagine the weight of the shield, the mask, the responsibility. imagine the loneliness.<\/i> the fear<\/i>.<\/p>\n

so then. then. in the space of a few days. steve deals with more guilt from the deaths in lagos. he shoulders that burden. then he deals with the moral quandary of signing the accords. he wrestles with that decision. peggy dies. he grieves, oh goodness does he grieve. vienna fuckin blows up and that elusive best friend is now the suspect.<\/i>\u00a0so steve is grieving, he is confused and conflicted, and now he feels doubly guilty\u2014that\u2019s the person he has been looking for, should he have already caught him? did he do it? he couldn\u2019t have. does he bring him in? does he shoulder this responsibility too? what will they make him do when he catches up to bucky? what should<\/i>\u00a0he do? steve might act like he always knows what\u2019s right, but a decision like this isn\u2019t easy. it messes with a person. and when you\u2019re dealing with all that mess in your head, sometimes you don\u2019t think. sometimes\u2026you act.<\/p>\n

like when bucky is triggered, when steve stops a helicopter with his bare fucking hands<\/i>, you can feel the desperation. that\u2019s not ordinary heroics. that\u2019s not steve just trying to stop bucky from escaping and possibly hurting others. it\u2019s steve fighting for <\/i>bucky. for this piece of his past. for the possibility of an end to loneliness. for the possibility of redemption for letting him fall.\u00a0<\/p>\n

and when they go on the run, when they know they have to stop the supersoldiers, when they clash with tony\u2019s team, can you imagine steve\u2019s sheer frustration that no one gets what is at stake? that no one is willing to listen? and yes, he didn\u2019t even try\u2014but why is that, you think? is it possibly because steve is used to institutions and those in power ignoring what he thinks is right and causing disaster anyway?<\/p>\n

when steve says,\u00a0\u201cpal, so are we.\u201d when steve acknowledges to natasha that he\u2019s 90 not dead, when he openly references the fact that he and bucky are 100, can you imagine knowing that? adjusting to that? being 20-something in body and memory but 100 in actuality? living in a body that people perceive as a weapon so strongly that you\u2019ve become <\/i>a weapon when you are still longing to rediscover the man you were? steve\u2019s not just cap. steve\u2019s steve, and he doesn\u2019t know what makes him happy you guys. <\/i>he\u2019s a guy, he\u2019s a human, and he\u2019s dealing with A Lot.<\/p>\n

i get that he makes some bad calls in the movie. so does tony. my beef is that while tony\u2019s decisions are often supported by his very obvious trauma and emotional burden, we rarely seem to give enough weight to the very real and very similar turmoil that is going on inside of steve.<\/p>\n

when tony is fighting him in siberia. when steve says,\u00a0\u201che\u2019s my friend,\u201d so simply, so sadly, without any righteousness, just clean tired truth, that\u2019s steve as steve<\/i>. when he hid the truth from tony, that\u2019s steve as steve.\u00a0<\/i>when he drops the shield, that\u2019s steve reclaiming himself as steve<\/i>. we expect cap all the time, because often, steve is <\/i>cap. it\u2019s easy to see him as the moral police that way, if reductionist.<\/p>\n

but we forget to see steve as steve. that he is a kid, in some ways. and a grieving, lost, lonely kid with a lot of anger, sadness, confusion, and power boiling under the placid-seeming surface.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

steverogersorbust: you know. sometimes i think. in the face of tony\u2019s obvious trauma and ptsd. in the face of the more obvious pain that bucky has suffered. we forget that steve\u2019s motivation in the film isn\u2019t just his tendency to hold stubbornly fast to his ideals, to do what he feels is right and damn … <\/p>\n

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